Jake Pickford

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Stand up Comedian based in London.

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 14

    Two weeks, I did it! This is the second longest time, excluding relationships, I’ve committed to anything.  Also excluding a job and bad habits.  But this is definitely a good habit.  14 consecutive days of Anti-depressants and blogging.  I’m proud of myself.  I also feel so much better, the pills have really helped with my mood and the blog has helped me with my creativity.  I’m hoping to build a more creative heavy CV and if I can include things like blog writing, building my own website, running my own podcast/YouTube channel then hopefully I can get a better day job until my comedy career takes off.

    I watched a really interesting TedTalk early about procrastination while I should have been editing my podcast and in it, the guy spoke about procrastination being a good thing in some instances where you have deadlines.  If you have no deadlines then it just becomes habit to do the things you’d normally do when procrastinating only all the time.  I need to start creating more deadlines for myself, to get more organised.  The good thing about when I start to release the newer podcast episodes is that I’ll force myself to constantly keep uploading new episodes weekly.  I’ve got a new found hope that I’ll be able to stick to these things because, fingers crossed, I’ve kept up this blog.

    I’m starting to get annoyed at myself for wasting time still.  I  need to up my productivity game but now that I’m back working it’s so easy to get back home at night and just relax in front of YouTube.  I know that if I want to succeed in life that I need to start putting more effort in.  Coasting through life is not an option and I’ve kind of been doing that.  The last 3 and a half years of performing comedy have been a fantastic journey and when I took that first step on to a stage it changed my life forever.  But now I need to keep taking steps forward and not get complacent in one spot.  It’s easy to get comfortable.  To say “that’ll do”, rather than saying I want more.  And it’s even harder to get up and chase after what you want but the alternative of spending a life never trying to get what you want just doesn’t seem worth living for.

    I’m lucky enough to know what I want but I know a lot of people don’t.  For me it’s easy now.  I want to do the thing I love the most.  Make people happy and make people laugh.  But I think everyone should think that way and live that way.  Live trying to make every second doing, or working towards doing, the thing you love the most.  I’m definitely going to start trying harder to live like that.

    Thanks for reading and speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 13

    Hey readers, how the fuck are you today?  I probably shouldn’t start a blog like that if I’m trying to get a new job, but then again I have a job now and I complain about that on here too… And my family don’t know I’m taking anti-depressants and felt suicidal before.  So this blog is a risk on three fronts.  But I’m happy so I don’t care.

    I know I’ll talk to my family about the state of my mental health at some point but I just don’t feel ready yet.  My mum worries a lot about me anyway and just feel like that would make her worry more.  I just want to wait until I’m sure that I won’t be going back to feeling that way.  I know that obviously there is never any guarantee and it’s still only been 13 days.  But like I’ve said before, I do feel positive.  I had a conversation with someone today at work who has a brain tumour, he was really optimistic and a lovely guy.  He spoke about how his life had been affected, how for three years he was going to the doctors complaining about headaches and they just kept on sending him home to take paracetamol.  It was only when he went to Cyprus, where he was from, that they sent him for a brain scan straight away.  We spoke about life, and he mentioned that he was suffering a lot with depression at first.  And it kind of made me feel a bit silly.  I was depressed because my life wasn’t going how I wanted it too.  But this guy has a brain tumour.  In the reasons to be depressed top trumps, this guy had me beat.  He was inspirational to talk to, we were laughing together about his first job in a bakery where he said he almost ate them out of business.

    Depression comes in all forms and can come from such a variety of places.  But no matter the cause there should never be a reason to not talk about it.  I know the world is a long way away from understanding mental health issues, I think we still think of them in the same way as we do physical illness, our broken arms are likely to be the same but our depressions could be completely different, could require completely different methods of treating.  We try and put everything into boxes so we can take in the information easier but our minds don’t fit in boxes.  We’re not designed to be confined or defined in such simple terms.  Our depression is perhaps our brain trying to tell us that.  I think the more we understand ourselves both as individuals and as a species, the better chance we have of creating a better world for ourselves to live in.  And the best way to do that is by being honest and talking to each other.

    Thanks for reading and speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressant

    Day 12

    So, I already wrote this.  And it was amazing.  Hands down the best blog I’ve ever written, maybe even the best blog anyone has…  Then I accidentally deleted all of it without saving anything.  Fuck!

    I’ll try to emulate the beauty I created but I’m rather annoyed right now.  Funnily enough I started by saying how work isn’t stressing me out as much, or at all really.  I was really worried that after having 54 days off that I’d feel really anxious and I was to begin with but I feel much better now.  I’m dealing with being on my own a lot better.

    I’ve also been learning sound editing today so that I can get my newly recorded podcasts as clear and crisp as possible.  There’s nothing worse than a good idea executed badly.  That’s also why I’m holding back on recording more YouTube videos until I can afford better quality equipment.  But i’m feeling optimistic and positive about life, this blog, this podcast and my comedy in general.  To give you some indication as to where I am in my eventual dream becoming a reality, I have been gigging as a comedian for 3 and a half years.  I do some regular hosting and get the occasional paid gig but make nowhere near enough to become a full time comedian.  I want to use this blog as a way of tracking my comedy progression too.  I feel like this could be a good year for me in terms of growing as a comedian.  I’ve got some important gigs coming up and these anti-depressants have helped me get back into the right frame of mind to (hopefully) help me be the funniest me I can be.

    Depression and stand-up comedy have always been linked, Robin Williams suffered greatly from it.  He was, in my opinion, the funniest man on the planet.  I was in constant awe of his ability to make anyone laugh, he lit up a room and I dream of one day be able to evoke such joy in so many people.  Standing on stage and making a room full of people laugh truly is the greatest feeling, who doesn’t like laughing or making people laugh.  And I think that’s certainly part of the problem, you can’t stay at that high.  Nothing in life can compare to you being the best version of you on stage.  But you can’t always be that person.  Comedians often say they put on a mask, that they go on stage and they’re a different person.  I think everyone does that in all walks of life.  We go through life wearing a series of different masks depending on the situation in order for life to be easier.  The mask of a comedian is one that can’t really be worn all the time but it’s also the one that’s the most fun to wear.  Life isn’t one big gig, it’s a series of gigs.  And it’s dealing with the times in between is the hardest.

    Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti-depressants

    Day 11

    Well what a productive day I’ve had today, I recorded 6 episodes of my podcast with 6 different guests and did I “gig”.  I use quotation marks technically the gig didn’t happen.  The audience wasn’t big enough for the night to go ahead.  But I still did some stuff for the small amount of people that did show up.  It actually worked out quite well because the extra time meant I got to record 2 episodes of my podcast.

    I’m so tired right now so this will be a short blog.  I’m really happy with myself right now, I’d been going through a prolonged period of not liking myself very much and that makes it much harder as a comedian to convince other people to like you.  I feel like these pills are helping me to remind myself how to enjoy being me.  I don’t have any other options either so whether you like yourself or not, you’re kind of stuck with yourself.

    Tomorrow I’m at work again, so far I haven’t been as stressed with the idea of slaving away to make someone else money.  Work is unfortunately a necessary evil.  So it must be tolerated.  And I’m tolerating much better now.  Obviously I still want to do something else, something creative.  My day job is the thing in my life I’m least happy with so I need to change that and until I can get a new job I’m just going to have to start feeling happier with the one I’ve got.  That’s tough, especially after working there for 8 years.  But the other option is to continue hating it as strongly as I did and that’s what lead me down the road of depression.

    I suppose the silver lining to that is if I hadn’t become depressed I might not have started this blog, I might not have started my podcast.  Everything happens for a reason and me feeling at my lowest was the catalyst to show me that I never want to feel that way again and I need to do everything in my power to stop it.

    Thanks for reading and speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 10

    Today I’m feeling good. Yesterday after I finished my blog I felt re-energized and motivated to do more so I changed my entire WordPress lay-out, I finished my podcast idea and I’m in the process of booking guests for it too. I felt happier when I woke up today. I didn’t feel horrified about work, I told myself to just get on with it and that’s exactly what I did.

    These pills are definitely helping with my ability to cope with stress. It’s still up to me whether I choose to be happy but these pills are definitely helping with the process of getting there. And I’m choosing to be happy right now. I feel confident in my podcast idea, I’m excited about building new content for this website and hopefully it can make people laugh because that’s what I love doing the most. And sleeping. I love that equally as much.

    I’m working on a way of getting a decent digital camera so I can start to shoot video podcasts and other YouTube content but this Podcast mic/recorder has eaten into my monthly budget. I need to win the lottery, that would make everything easier. They say money doesn’t buy happiness but I beg to differ. If they give me money I’ll happily prove them wrong. I’ve always thought if I win the lottery that rather than tell people (more specifically my four housemates) I’d just wait for them to figure it out. Everyday I’d just come out of my room in a more extravagant outfit. And start buying random things for the house like a pet ostrich or a moat. Obviously they might notice me having a moat installed around a house in North London. It’s quite hard to surprise someone with a moat although Bam Margera did do it to his parents in Jackass so there’s hope.

    I don’t read these blogs after they’re published (I read comments though so feel free to say hi) but I remember how I felt on day 1 compared to how I feel now and I’m feeling very positive about it. The anti-depressants are helping, of course, but I think writing has been a huge factor in my current mood and general attitude towards life. As long as I stay productive doing things that I enjoy when I can, then I can tolerate the times when I can’t. For now. I’d wanted to start a blog for so long but I’d always been so defeatist. I just thought what was the point, I didn’t think I had anything to write about but everyone has themselves and so everyone has something to write about. Writing, for me at least, is basically just that. I’m sharing my thoughts and feelings about my world with anyone who wants to read it. And it makes me feel less alone. Less lost in my own mind. There’s something so powerful in getting thoughts out of you head and clearing your mind. It’s like creative meditation.

    I’ve gone on a bit in this one but that’s because I’m happy so this is good.

    Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti;Depressants

    Day 9

    Nine days in.  I don’t really know how I’m feeling today.  I’m not sad I just feel a bit defeatist.  I feel a bit “meh“.  That’s why I’m writing this blog entry earlier than usual, so I can do something productive and inspire myself a bit.  The good thing about this blog is I don’t really get a writers block as it’s just a stream of conscious thought more than anything.

    I’ve not done much today so far, other than take drugs, eat pizza and watch YouTube.  I watch too much YouTube, I should be on there not watching it.  I need to start making more videos.  I started a Vlog once.  Yet again I’m mentioning another thing I used to do.  If you’ve read my other blog posts and haven’t noticed a pattern then you’re clearly not paying attention.  I give up on a lot of stuff.  The more I go on about it on here, the more I’m hoping it will spur me on to continue writing.  I want to prove myself wrong and have it typed up as evidence.

    I’ve also filmed a few other videos, and even made some crappy animations that are all on YouTube but I just haven’t been consistent with it.  I need to use my time more wisely rather than sleeping till mid-day and then wasting hours doing nothing, filling my mind with nothing.  It’s just hard to get motivated sometimes.  Plus I’m still waking up with a nose full of snot  and a chest that growls when I breathe.  I feel tired already and I know that’s because I haven’t done enough.  I’ve let my brain and body remain in low power mode and now it’s struggling to reboot quick enough.

    Sometimes I wish life was more like a video game, and you could make certain save points to go back to.  Then I could be like, oh shit I fucked up and got debt, better go back to when I was 16 and debt free.  Procrastination is my biggest enemy.  It’s also my best friend, Ideally what I’d like to do is make it my bitch.  Go make some money for me procrastination.

    I’m going to keep this one short because I want to try and use these last hours to do an array of creative things and plan my future.  Wish me luck.

    Thanks for reading and speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

     

     

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 8

    Today was my first day back at work after being signed off for 54 days with depression and stress.  It was tough getting to sleep the night before, I kept thinking about how I hadn’t managed to escape the clutches of my current day job.  It felt like I’d only just drifted off when the alarm went off and after 4 snoozes I pulled myself out of bed and spent as long as possible standing in the shower trying to think happy thoughts.

    I had a meeting with my boss, he’s actually a very understanding guy and I appreciate having such a caring manager.  I explained to him that the only reason I’m back is money and I’m looking for other methods of employment.  He’s actually encouraged me to pursue my stand-up comedy.  Unfortunately his boss hates me.

    I usually work alone but today I had a new employee with me which helped make the day go quicker and it felt much less stressful than before.  I also ordered a new microphone/recorder to make a podcast.  I’ve tried making a podcast in the past but much like the other things I’ve attempted, as listed in a previous post, I couldn’t commit to it.  I only managed to record four episodes of ‘Ramblings of a Man; Possibly intoxicated‘.  But with this new mic and a newly ignited, anti-depressant fueled passion for life I want to give it a go.  I’m over exaggerating slightly with the whole passion for life thing, I’m not quite there yet.  But I am feeling much more filled with optimism and less, you know, hate filled rage and emptiness combined with thoughts of impending doom.

    I need to start doing more creative things along with this blog and so getting this mic was a priceless investment.  Once I start, I hope to get the same joy that I do from comedy and this blog.  Creative outlets are and infinite resource of happiness and just because during the day I have to do a crappy day job, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be doing what makes me the most happy when I’m not doing that crappy job.  I need to stop letting the things that get me down, get me down when they’re not around.  Live in the now more.  Not all the time like Eckhart tolle suggests.  I don’t think it’s realistic for anyone with ambition.  Plus people need to feel sad about things from time to time, it’s a natural human emotion.  But more focus on the now will certainly stop me worrying about the past and future.  For now.

    I’m off work tomorrow so that gives me plenty of time to plan out my new podcast ideas and write some new material for some big gigs I’ve got coming up.  Life feels O.K right now.  Not good, but not bad either.

    Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 7

    I’ve just got back from an absolutely brilliant gig.  I was hosting a comedy debate about who is the better superhero between Batman and Superman.  Superman won, I’m not into comic books but it was so much fun hosting and listening to people debate that I got really into it.  I started off on team Batman but by the end I was fully with team Superman and so were the crowd as they voted for the winner.

    It felt really great getting out of the house and back on stage again.  And I definitely feel like my pills are helping me get back to the person I want to be.  The person I used to be.  I was talking with a friend today about how I can feel a change in my mood.  He is going through what sounds like a similar situation to mine and he mentioned not liking the person he’d become.  That sums up how I felt quite nicely, I didn’t like the person I’d become and didn’t recognize them either .  I was a different person with occasional glimmers of myself shining through at irregular moments.  Like an internal battle between good and evil.  Like Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are having a lightsaber fight in my head, and the dark side was prevailing.  These pills are my force.  My way of defeating the dark side.

    I have to go back to work tomorrow for the first time in about a month and a half. Honestly I’m terrified.  It made me feel my lowest and I don’t want to go back to that.  But I have to because I can’t afford not too.  I need the money but I yearn for a world where mental health can be put ahead of finance.   I haven’t used my time off wisely.  I should have applied for more jobs, I should have been more creative.  I should have done a lot of things.  But I didn’t have the drive, the incentive, the confidence.  I’d been knocked down too many pegs to think I could climb back up.  I should have taken these pills as soon as I was signed off work but I’d falsely accepted that for the rest of my life I’d be feeling depressed.  I’d essentially given up feeling happy.  Or feeling how I used to feel.  How I’m starting to feel now, after finally taking the pills.

    I do still feel trapped and have a lot of anxiety.  I feel like I’m still in a box but the walls are moving further away.  I know I have to get out of the box, but I don’t feel like I’m being suffocated by it.  But who knows what tomorrow brings.  Wish me luck…

    Thanks for reading and speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 6.

    Well last night was incredible.  I had a fantastic time hosting my monthly comedy night and after a turbulent week of flu and feeling a spiral of emotions the gig really helped me focus in on one thing that always makes me happy.  And that’s making other people laugh.

    I definitely think I can feel the effects of my pills kicking in, last night on stage I felt more connected with the audience then I have in a while and I didn’t feel the severity of the adrenaline plummet like I have in the past.  What would happen a lot of the time is I would be so happy on stage but as soon as I left I felt deflated, like nothing would match the feeling and I got sad about that.  Last night I didn’t feel that sadness, just the eagerness to go again, the fire relighting within me that depression and the anxieties that come with life had extinguished.  My next gig is on Sunday and with the exception of a cough and slightly blocked nose, I’m feeling much stronger and better.

    I need to start addressing what made me sad in the first place in my life.  I know the predominant catalyst was/is my day job.  I won’t go into detail about what I do but just know that it’s nothing creative or inspiring and I only started working there because I needed money after finishing performing arts at college.  That was 8 years ago.  I suppose that’s a similar story to a lot of people.  Stay in a job longer than expected and then get overwhelmed with how fast all the time has gone.  That’s when I would start to think about how quickly another 8 years could fly by.  The thing is, the reason I haven’t left is I don’t just want to go into another irrelevant job that doesn’t let me be the creative person I am.  That’s when I’m most happy and if I can’t make that a daily reality then I know I’ll just go back to square one again where I’m unhappy.  Or the other option is I simply take these pills to mask pain of my current reality, live an unhappy life until retirement age and celebrate by jumping from a bridge.  It’s a pretty simple choice when I put it like that.  I need to get out of my unhappy reality and into a new one that makes me happy.  Writing makes me very happy.  I want a writing job, I guess lots of people want writing jobs.  Probably because lots of people know how to write.  I’d also like to be a quantum scientist but I don’t know how to do that.

    There’s definitely other things in my life that make me unhappy but for now I think the main focus has to be the thing I’m forced to do for a third of my life – work.  More importantly, how to make it feel less like work.

    Thanks for reading and speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake.

     

     

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 5.

    I had to cancel my job interview today as I knew I would have been a horrible interviewee.  I don’t feel well recovered enough to convince people I’ll make a great new addition to their team.  So instead I’ve been spending the majority of the day tweeting chocolate and sweet companies with complaints or suggestions.  I’ve tried to get a Lindor chocolate related twitter poll going on which truffle they should make next.  I’ve complained to my local supermarket that they don’t stop Rainbow Drops any more.  I’ve told Angel Delight that they should be trying harder to make the world a tastier place and I’m trying to tell James Blunt that I do an impression of him that’s better than him, and goad him into a #Bluntoff.

    Productive day so far I’d say.

    I’ve got a gig later which will be my first gig back in a while, I’m hosting my regular comedy night and will need to be upbeat and energetic.  Two exceptionally difficult things to be when you’re ill… and suffering from depression.  But I’m now on day 5 so hopefully theirs some built up serotonin firing around somewhere in my mind to give me a boost later tonight.  I’m surprised I’ve made it this far too, it might not seem like much but if you’ve read my previous blog entries you’ll know that I’m more miss than hit when it comes to commitment.  Definitely more cat level commitment than dog.  A dog will love a toy forever, a cat will play with it for five minutes and then maybe again in a year.  Maybe never.  Cats are dicks.  I’m not a dick though, I’m more dog in attitude I think.  But more recently like an old, sad dog that doesn’t want to do anything but will occasionally think it’s a puppy and run around excitedly before collapsing and sleeping for the rest of the day.  I used to be more like a 2 year old dog, running around shagging everyone’s leg.  Not literally.  A bit literally.  Not in a sexual harassment way obviously, I’ll probably drop this dog analogy now, it’s for the best.

    Tomorrow I’m going to start writing more.  Not just this blog but maybe some short stories of just random topics.  I’ve been enjoying writing these but it seems a shame to limit myself within the confines of talking about only my depression and how it’s affecting my life.  It shouldn’t be the only thing on here because it doesn’t define me as a person.

    Thanks for reading and speak to you tomorrow.

     

    Jake