I wonder of the bigger things Like why the robin sweetly sings Every morning chorus lead To get me out my lovely bed I open windows just to hear, Locate the robin far or near Then grab a rock or maybe bottle And give its beak a fucking throttle I

Start acting so childish

I’m so bored on the news, which is a terrifying thing when you think about it. I’m totally desensitised to everything from brexit and climate change to wars and terrorism. Remember when you were a kid and none of this mattered. It was wonderful. I’m bored, I think I’ll just


People should need to pass a test to become parents. There would be questions like: Do you think your child will need a separate seat on the train? Are you planning on getting on a plane with this child in the next 10 years? Do you believe you shouldn’t give

Cats, eventually.

I sometimes worry about things. Like have I forgotten to do something, or am I doing enough for climate change, or If reincarnation were true but you kept your own consciousness, could I handle living as a duck. Probably not. I know very little of duck culture, I could never

How can I sleep.

How can I sleep, when I walk through the street and bodies lay frozen right there at my feet. How can I sleep, when their muscles are weak, when their breathing is freezing and their futures are bleak. How can I sleep, when they’re out through the night, with the

Sore, high.

I shout out, no one hears me though So I get angry, rage rises from the depths below Until I realise no sound actually came out And the silence is just an echo of my fears and doubt. I’m mad at the world, or just mad, at the world. Inevitably

Tips for comedians.

The following is a list of tips I have for performers of stand up comedy. I am in no way an expert on this however I have been getting up on stages for over 6 years and in that time I like to think I have amassed some knowledge of

School’s out.

I know how to write a paper I will be just fine for later I can do my twelve times table So adulthood I’m more than able I arrive when the bells ring Like pavlovs dogs, I’ve learnt this thing And many more a skill I’ve mastered Not like you,


Yes. Or specifically fucked. I have tried to live in London on savings and small earnings here and there. I have tried and failed. I am at the point of zero. I am broke. I am fully broke, like can’t afford to get to a employment centre, interview or job

Ps, no Qs

I don’t like them “They’re good for you” Well surely there are others that are good for me too. “Yeh but I’ve made these so you have to eat In fact, you better stay right there in your dining seat” But come on please, I really don’t like these When

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