I’ve just got back from an absolutely brilliant gig. I was hosting a comedy debate about who is the better superhero between Batman and Superman. Superman won, I’m not into comic books but it was so much fun hosting and listening to people debate that I got really into it. I started off on team Batman but by the end I was fully with team Superman and so were the crowd as they voted for the winner.
It felt really great getting out of the house and back on stage again. And I definitely feel like my pills are helping me get back to the person I want to be. The person I used to be. I was talking with a friend today about how I can feel a change in my mood. He is going through what sounds like a similar situation to mine and he mentioned not liking the person he’d become. That sums up how I felt quite nicely, I didn’t like the person I’d become and didn’t recognize them either . I was a different person with occasional glimmers of myself shining through at irregular moments. Like an internal battle between good and evil. Like Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are having a lightsaber fight in my head, and the dark side was prevailing. These pills are my force. My way of defeating the dark side.
I have to go back to work tomorrow for the first time in about a month and a half. Honestly I’m terrified. It made me feel my lowest and I don’t want to go back to that. But I have to because I can’t afford not too. I need the money but I yearn for a world where mental health can be put ahead of finance. I haven’t used my time off wisely. I should have applied for more jobs, I should have been more creative. I should have done a lot of things. But I didn’t have the drive, the incentive, the confidence. I’d been knocked down too many pegs to think I could climb back up. I should have taken these pills as soon as I was signed off work but I’d falsely accepted that for the rest of my life I’d be feeling depressed. I’d essentially given up feeling happy. Or feeling how I used to feel. How I’m starting to feel now, after finally taking the pills.
I do still feel trapped and have a lot of anxiety. I feel like I’m still in a box but the walls are moving further away. I know I have to get out of the box, but I don’t feel like I’m being suffocated by it. But who knows what tomorrow brings. Wish me luck…
Thanks for reading and speak to you tomorrow.