Well last night was incredible. I had a fantastic time hosting my monthly comedy night and after a turbulent week of flu and feeling a spiral of emotions the gig really helped me focus in on one thing that always makes me happy. And that’s making other people laugh.
I definitely think I can feel the effects of my pills kicking in, last night on stage I felt more connected with the audience then I have in a while and I didn’t feel the severity of the adrenaline plummet like I have in the past. What would happen a lot of the time is I would be so happy on stage but as soon as I left I felt deflated, like nothing would match the feeling and I got sad about that. Last night I didn’t feel that sadness, just the eagerness to go again, the fire relighting within me that depression and the anxieties that come with life had extinguished. My next gig is on Sunday and with the exception of a cough and slightly blocked nose, I’m feeling much stronger and better.
I need to start addressing what made me sad in the first place in my life. I know the predominant catalyst was/is my day job. I won’t go into detail about what I do but just know that it’s nothing creative or inspiring and I only started working there because I needed money after finishing performing arts at college. That was 8 years ago. I suppose that’s a similar story to a lot of people. Stay in a job longer than expected and then get overwhelmed with how fast all the time has gone. That’s when I would start to think about how quickly another 8 years could fly by. The thing is, the reason I haven’t left is I don’t just want to go into another irrelevant job that doesn’t let me be the creative person I am. That’s when I’m most happy and if I can’t make that a daily reality then I know I’ll just go back to square one again where I’m unhappy. Or the other option is I simply take these pills to mask pain of my current reality, live an unhappy life until retirement age and celebrate by jumping from a bridge. It’s a pretty simple choice when I put it like that. I need to get out of my unhappy reality and into a new one that makes me happy. Writing makes me very happy. I want a writing job, I guess lots of people want writing jobs. Probably because lots of people know how to write. I’d also like to be a quantum scientist but I don’t know how to do that.
There’s definitely other things in my life that make me unhappy but for now I think the main focus has to be the thing I’m forced to do for a third of my life – work. More importantly, how to make it feel less like work.
Thanks for reading and speak to you tomorrow.