Jake Pickford

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Stand up Comedian based in London.

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 39

    I’m publishing today early to avoid not doing it.  I didn’t post in my blog yesterday because I accidentally got too fucked up to stay awake.  My bad.  But today started with pancakes, bacon and maple syrup so everything in the world is good.  I’ve been at work today but mostly out in the sunshine which just makes everything better.  A lot of people say they suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), myself included, but I’d find it hard to think of anyone who wouldn’t see their moods change based on the weather.  I mean, rain is shit.  You can’t do stuff in it, but sun is awesome and you get to have barbecues.  Things that are shit make you feel bad, just look at politicians and running out of milk.  Both are shit and both make you feel bad.  I think I’ve proven my point.

    I hope I’m not ridiculing S.A.D sufferers inadvertently.  I don’t intend to offend anyone but there’s also a fine line between justified offense and unjustified offense, and in my own experience people tend to lean more towards the latter.  Often getting offended on behalf of other people or even just at single words completely taken out of context.  To which my immediate response is for them to fuck off.  Not nice but it’s either they do that or I lecture them on why they’re an idiot for being offended.  Which probably will be a waste of both our times due to the stubbornness of human beings and our desire to be right all the time.  I love debates.  I would thoroughly enjoy being a politician if it wasn’t for the system in it’s entirety being broken to the point of needed full replacement.  It doesn’t matter which country you’re reading this from, it’s totally applicable.  Unless you’re in Switzerland, in which case well done you, you’re winning at life.  The beautiful thing about the politics of the Swiss is that almost all political decisions are held on national referendums voted for by the public.  I’m not saying it isn’t without it’s problems but I feel like a countries population should get to decide it’s future.  Not an elite few who have no connection to the people they govern.  Obviously there are emerging exceptions to the rule, Canada for example electing Justin Trudeau is, in my opinion, a fantastic choice for Prime Minister.  But that’s because a lot of people would label me as a crazy liberal.  But obviously there are always going to be people who don’t feel they have a voice or that their opinion isn’t being heard or even given the chance to be.  Referendums can help eliminate those feelings.

    I’ve rambled a lot in this blog entry and also got distracted many times whilst writing it.  I’ve just posted a pun of the word barbecue on my twitter and instagram (@JakePickford). I’m far too easily distracted in life.

    Thanks for reading and i’ll speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 37

    Hey there, how you doing? Today I stroked a horse and now I want one.  I’ll add to the list of animals I want in my life.  A dog, a llama, a monkey and a penguin are also on that list.  I blame my parents, when I was younger we had a chinchilla and a fucking owl!  What child has a pet owl… other than Harry Potter.  His name was Roger Woowoo.  Because he made the noise “woowoo” and looked like a Roger.  I don’t remember too much of my feelings towards him other than a strange combination of happiness and fear.  He used to regular spin his head around and just stare at me, I’m fairly confident he’d have eaten me given the option.

    I had an ok day considering I was back at work.  As much as I hate it, I don’t trust myself enough to get things done when given time off and so I think that’s why today wasn’t too bad.  At work I definitely get things done, plus the sun was shining and that always make me feel good.  Definitely a rarity in England though.  I have structure in my work life that I need to apply to my spare time at home, to eradicate the demon procrastinator in me.  Example; I came upstairs to write this blog and within 5 minutes I was on YouTube watching a video of nuns in California who grow and sell their own cannabis.  There is no reason for me to know about that, I didn’t retain any of the facts from the video, I basically wasted 6 minutes of my life to be able to say to probably one person, “did you know there are nuns in California who grow weed”.  If anyone reading this has any effective ways of limiting procrastination habits then please let me know.

    I’ll keep this post short as I’m tired (Like I’ve said before I really should stop writing these blogs at 1am).  I’m going to see a friends after work tomorrow so I can’t imagine it will be a particularly productive Saturday night but I’m promise to try and stay sober enough to write a blog.

    Thanks for reading and i’ll speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 36

    My mood has been inconsistent recently.  I’ve not been at work so I can’t even blame that.  I feel like my life is lacking excitement, which is weird because I’ve spent the last few days filming with some college students for their final project.  I’ve had things to get excited about.  I’m gigging on Thursday and I’m excited about that but I feel like nothing else really matches that excitement I get from stage time.  I’ve accepted this as the reality of anyone pursuing any kind of passionate endeavor, but I shouldn’t accept being bored during the times I’m not doing stand-up comedy.

    I know it all probably boils down to productivity.  Having things to do, create and talk about with people.  These anti-depressants are meant to help me feel like the old me, and I have in spurts, but I can feel the precipice of depression over which my old self lingers, occasionally slipping down and being lifted back up by willpower and stage time.  It’s a sad time when the things in your life you’re most excited about are gigs, sleep, food and sex.  Not in that order and of course there are other things but this paragraph has clearly already been very over dramatic!  I think change is needed in some form or another.  I just don’t know what, I figured before it was just my day job but, credit where credit is due, the anti-depressants have helped manage my work related stress levels but clearly my previous depression wasn’t just linked to that.

    I’m now at a point with my depression where I’m on the outside looking in rather than the inside looking out.  I can analyse my life rationally rather than irrationally but it’s about putting those rational thoughts into practice.  Although I still haven’t figured out what my current thoughts are.  And that’s pretty damn integral to making changes.  I can’t just go around changing random things in my life hoping they start making me happy, with my mind I might end up a miserably vegan with a wooden leg or something equally elaborate.  I do want to start writing about other things.  This blog has been getting less attention the more entries I post, which I don’t mind because like I’ve said before, this blog is just me adding to what I hope is an ever growing list of people talking about their mental health.  But I do also want to create relevant, interesting and entertaining posts too so I can make my blog more varied.  I like to write about a lot of things and shouldn’t just limit myself to a life on anti-depressants.

    Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 35

    I haven’t posted for three days, this is the longest I’ve gone without posting anything.  Commitment is so hard.  I have semi-valid excuses though.  Friday and Saturday night I was at my parent’s house and although I could have written a blog on their computer, not to mention I took my laptop with me, but I’m still using that as my excuse and Sunday was a Sunday.  I did say they were only semi-valid excuses.

    I’m still maintaining the mentality of trying to blog everyday but it is hard to keep up good habits and really easy to stop doing them because they’re generally speaking harder to do than not do.  The bigger the reward you get from something the harder it is to do.  For example, if I watch a YouTube video then I have to do very little work to achieve this and the reward is that I’ll get to enjoy the time spent watching that video.  If I want to make my own YouTube channel then the rewards from that are much bigger, like releasing entertaining content, getting fans and even potentially making money, but so is the work I’d have to put into it as well as the commitment required to keep on doing it.  It’s easy to get distracted with things that give you quick and easy rewards because it feels good but it just doesn’t last long enough.  Not to mention I’ve been known the have the attention span of a goldfish with ADHD.  I need to give To Do lists another go.  Although last time I did, I just kept getting annoyed at the lack of completed tasks, It was essentially just putting in black and white in front of me how unorganised and unproductive my day had been.  I’ll probably start making two lists, one I’ll write the night before, of things I want to do the next day which I can tick off at night, and the other list I’ll write after ticking off my first list.  That list will be called Stuff I actually did.  I think this is a good idea for two reasons.  Number one, if I actually do other good things in a day that weren’t on my To Do list then I can still feel good about them and number two, I’m likely to fill that list with a bunch of time wasting activities and then I’ll probably feel bad about how long that list is and stop doing as many of those things.

    What’s most likely though is I’ll just stop doing the second list, or both lists…

    Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake Pickford.

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 31

    Hello dear readers, today I want to talk about my wall.  I don’t mean my Facebook wall, I mean my actual bedroom wall.  Quite a while ago after my first dealing with depression, long before this blog was even thought of, I decided that I would put paper on my wall and using marker pens I would write rules to live my life by.  I planned to read them every day and try to live by them, I know it might sound kind of strange but I felt like before I’d forgotten a lot of these obvious things and I figured having them written out in black and white as a constant reminder would help me not get depressed.  Clearly it didn’t work but that was partly/mostly because I stopped reading them.  I want to start getting into the habit of reading them again, I’m not feeling depressed again, thanks to writing my blog and taking my anti-depressants, but I still feel like it would be a good idea to instill them in my mind.

    I thought I’d also share what I wrote with you, so here goes.

    Think positive, be passionate, smile, be brave, think rationally, don’t let the past bring you down, don’t let the future make you anxious.  There are always other options, they’re just sometimes hard to see.  Don’t worry about what other people think of you, be comfortable with who you are.  Speak your mind, be as creative as you can be, don’t worry, be happy.  Write down your thoughts, it’s a great way to get your feelings out and get to know yourself.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t change the world.  Never compare yourself to anyone.  Self-educate.  Form your own opinions.  Don’t be afraid to disagree with people.  Honest communication can save the world.  Don’t be easily offended or annoyed by people, most of the time it’s not personal, it’s just who they are.  Don’t be afraid of feeling afraid.  Stop saying “err” and “umm”.

    That is essentially how I’d like everyone to live their life, but I think I’ll try to lead by example.  For a while reading this every day really did help me focus in on reminding myself of how I can be happy.  By doing and thinking those things.  I’m not saying it would work for everyone just to read that list every morning but I do think there is some merit in having something every day to remind you how you should approach the day.  I saw a YouTube video by a guy named Luke Capasso, who is a great comic and he spoke about this old Cherokee proverb; There is a battle of two wolves inside us all, one wolf is evil, it is anger, jealously, greed, resentment, lies, inferiority and ego.  The other wolf is good.  It is joy, kindness, peace, love, hope, humility, empathy and truth.  And you have to feed the good wolf in order to live a good life, but the evil wolf is often the easier one to feed. It’s much easier to get angry than to stay calm, much easier to feel jealous than to stop ourselves.

    Today I fed my good wolf, I had a great gig in a strange farm brewery.  With free pizza!  That’s a win in my book anytime.  I need to keep on track with being productive and not forget the things that make me happy.

    Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 30

    Hi, sorry about yesterday’s lack of blog.  I got a little bit too drunk, it was my girlfriend’s birthday and we played a drinking game whilst watching Princess Bride.  Rules are as follows.  Drink every time the following words or phrases are said; “Inconceivable”, “As you wish”, “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die”, “The dread pirate Roberts”, “Fire Swamp” and “Cliffs of insanity”.  We also drank any time anyone said anything that rhymed, had a sword fight or said a great quote like “Life is pain, your highness, Anyone who says different is selling something”.  Needless to say, I was too drunk to write a blog by the end of the movie.  Good times!

    The studio equipment has arrived so I’ve set it all up with my housemate and now I can’t wait to start filming videos for YouTube.  I also bought a bandanna today.  And I am rocking it.  30 days on anti-depressants has been a fun journey, I’ve changed a lot in those days and that’s definitely reflected in these blogs.  I spoke with a friend on the phone today and he told me that he’d started reading it.  He mentioned about the change from day 1 to around day 10.  I really enjoy writing this blog and I hope people do read it like a journey and start from the beginning.  I think the thing about this blog is that previously I’ve spoken about feelings of anxiety and depression but the good thing is I’m not having those feelings anymore so I end up not writing about them.  However I still want this blog to encourage other people to talk about their feelings.   Everyone has those feelings but talking about them feels so difficult.  I think that’s partly to do with the caring nature of humans, we don’t want to be a burden on people.  I can speak especially for the British people, we don’t like people to make a fuss over us.  As in to say, we don’t want people worrying and going out of their way to try and help us.  But talking to people is the best form of help, it’s like free therapy.  Admittedly it’s untrained therapy but it’s a start, the more you talk, the more likely you are to find a good listener.  And a lot of the time I think that’s all people need.

    Another housemate of mine (I have 4) got a message from a girl saying that she didn’t want to see him again and he got kind of bummed out about it.  I think we’ve all been there, where we’ve felt rejected.  He could have quite easily just sat in his room and tried to deal with the situation himself but he came and spoke to myself and another housemate and we listened and helped him get over it.  I’ve had my heart broken and enough relationships or potential relationships end badly to have plenty to say on the matter.  It’s horrible and we can’t help but take it completely personally.  But it’s not completely down to you, there are always two people involved, at the very least, unless you’re breaking up with your hand because you’re seeing each other too much, been there too.  It’s not just because of you that they don’t want to be with you, it’s because of them too.  The fact is though, we meet so many people in our lives and no two people are the same.  So every cliche line is true, “I’ll never meet anyone like them”, “No one with make me feel like they did”.  Good!  Hopefully you’ll meet someone who actually wants to be with you and makes you feel even better.  We all change so much through our lives and to actually meet someone who, as you’re both changing individually, still want the same things and want to share all your life together with is pretty challenging.  Just accept the statistic that from the moment you have more than one failed relationship, you will always be more likely to fail when trying to meet the one.  Falling in love is fucking magical.  And breaking up with people is horrible but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still try.

    If you haven’t read my blog before and you’ve enjoyed this one why not start from the beginning, I don’t always talk about love but I do try to always talk about my life and what’s on my mind.

    Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 28

    Check out my productive self, I finished editing one of my podcast episodes.  I took me a long time but now I think I’ve developed a system that should make the other ones much easier.  Plus I started with the one I knew would be the hardest so I could give myself a crash course in sound editing.  And all it took for me to do it was a little will power and for my housemates to all watch Game of Thrones and since I don’t watch it, I used the time to edit.  This is a rare example of me using my time wisely.  I now have 6 days off work where I really want to do more of just that, using my time wisely to get shit done.

    It’s good to be productive.  I’m clearly never going to completely eliminate procrastination from my life, it’s too big a part of it, but when I’ve been productive my procrastination feels warranted.  I guess then, by definition it wouldn’t be procrastination so I just need to make sure I always have enough things I should be doing but also have done enough things to feel like I’ve earned my next YouTube wormhole.  The last of the filming equipment should arrive tomorrow so YouTube will soon have more of my face on it.  I’m constantly having ideas for sketches and other thing so with this camera and studio set up I should be able to put those ideas into practice, have a lot of fun doing it and learn more about video editing.  I’ve put some basic stuff together in the past like vlogs but my video editing skills definitely have ample room for improvement.  You can have the best video content in the world but if it doesn’t look and sound good then you’re losing potential viewers straight away.

    I nearly forgot to take my pill again today, always a good sign.  I feel 85% back to normality right now, I know I won’t get back to 100% until I make a bigger change in my life, the factors that led up to my depression are still there for the most part but my attitude towards them has changed.  I still need them gone but my ability to deal with everything much more easily.  My anti-depressants soften the sharp edges of life so I’m able to handle it better.

    Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants 

    Day 27.

    No one should have to work on a Sunday.  I did, and I survived.  I started to get annoyed and stressed out towards the end of the day but that was mainly because I was so hangry!  Getting home and eating pizza quickly resolved this issue.  I didn’t manage to do much in the way of productive activities tonight.  I mainly sat and watched UFC and spoke with my housemates but my excuse today is it’s a Sunday and I’ve been at work. My excuse tomorrow may be very similar except obviously I’ll replace Sunday with Monday which is an equally difficult day to work.  Arguably harder because you’re surrounded by more people who are miserable from having to be at work.

    I’m trying to stay optimistic about my job.  But I do need to start activitely trying to get out of it.  I can’t use Anti-Depressants to mask something.  I have to use them to get over something.  My day job is currently the biggest obstical between myself and unaided happiness.  It’s another thing I’m adding to the list of many things I have to do.  I need to start prioritising and doing.  I figure if I keep telling myself that and writing it in these blog entries eventually it will sink in.  Or the people that read my blog will just start leaving comments telling me to get off my arse, put down the pizza, get off YouTube and start making things happen.  I’m still relying too much on something just happening.  Because sometimes things do just happen and they’re awesome.  But I have to take more control of my life and put myself into situations where things can happen for me.

    Next week is already set up to be a good week.  After Monday, I have the rest of the week off (depending on holiday requests being granted ) and so I’m hoping to get a lot done. Whether I do or not is an entirely different issue but by the end of the week I want to have uploaded some podcast episodes and have written some different things other than this blog.  Wish me luck… Or wish me commitment maybe… Wish me something.

    Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow

    Jake.

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 26

    Today I actually forgot to take my pill in the morning, I usually take it when I wake up but it totally slipped my mind.  I eventually realised halfway through work so took it when I got home.  I’m taking this as a huge positive.  I didn’t have that feeling of needing to take my anti-depressants to get through my work, but I’m still going to be taking them.  It’s still early days and I certainly  don’t want to slip back into depression.

    I need to use the motivation and mood these pills are giving me to be more productive, I’ve had some friends round the last two evenings so although I’ve had a good time, I’m aware of the fact it was time I wasn’t spending working on my podcast or comedy.  I don’t want to be the kind of person who only works and don’t see friends or family of course, but I need to use my time more wisely, it’s too easy to get sucked into procrastination and avoiding finishing things.  It’s almost worse to start something because if you don’t finish it then it’s always likely to annoy you just a bit, I’m still slightly annoyed with my 13 year old self for not sticking to learning the guitar.  It’s the same with these podcasts, 8 episodes recorded, all of which need editing.  But at least I’ve started right, well that’s worse, at least before I was just saying “I should start a podcast soon”, now I’m saying “damn it, I need to edit those podcasts”.

    The thing is, I know it will all be worth it.  I know this blog is, and will continue to be, worth it which is why I’ve stuck to it.  From the first post I was hooked and when I release these new podcasts I know I’ll feel the same way.  I just need to keep the momentum, I got the ball rolling by investing in a good microphone/recorder and kept it going by recording episodes but now it’s come to the editing and I’ve allowed the ball to slow down.  I can’t let it stop and lose all that momentum I’ve built up.

    Tonight with my friends we spoke about goals, having an end in sight for any idea.  It got me thinking about my end goals.  It such a weird thing to consider, you can only ever think you know what you want and focus on that, it’s almost always going to change.  I know I want to be a comedian, but mainly I’ve always wanted to make people happy.  And that feeling goes beyond comedy, it spreads into all aspects of life.  Maybe that’s why I’ve carried on with this blog, I started it to talk about my depression and Day 1 was the first day I’d taken an anti-depressant since feeling so depressed, to the point of suicidal thoughts.  I don’t think I would have done it but to have those kind of thoughts is a terrifying experience and basically the complete opposite of happiness.  I started writing this blog in the hopes these pills would work and I could perhaps even help others, not necessarily convince anyone to take anti-depressants but just to confirm that the feeling that you have aren’t uncommon.  Anxiety about the future, fears from your past, depression, worried and scared, sad, on edge, awkward, stupid.  Everyone is affected these things that we bottle up inside and don’t talk about. Talking about it through this blog has certainly made me feel happier.

    The thing is, everyone has a mental health state, in the same way that everyone has a physical health state.  And we need to stop prioritising one over the other.  If I get a cold I immediately feel the need to tell every one and if it was really bad I’d take some medicine and maybe see a doctor.   If I got pneumonia I’d take a lot of medicine and see lots of doctors. Depression and Mental Health should be treated exactly the same without stigmatisation.

    Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 25

    Today has been fun and semi-productive.  I edited some of my podcast and went through old Facebook messages and emails to make a note of all my up coming gigs.  Since I dropped my phone in the toilet I no longer have access to my gig diary.  I mentioned briefly in my last blog about how we compare ourselves to other people and I’ve been thinking more about that today.  It’s something that’s very hard not to do in all aspects of life.

    We go through our lives meeting so many different people and it’s human nature to be drawn to success.  To remember it, to crave it, success feels good.  When we meet people who we decide are more successful than us we naturally start drawing comparisons with our own lives.  Mozart wrote his first symphony at the age of 8, but you’re not going to tell that to every 8 year old trying to learn the piano are you.  As I’ve mentioned before I do stand-up comedy and I’ve seen people get success ahead of me, people who’ve been performing for the same amount of time that I have (or even less time) achieving more paid gigs or even T.V work and I could easily sit and compare my life to theirs.  But that would be a very black and white way of looking at life.  When we compare ourselves to others we’re stripping ourselves of our uniqueness.  We’re diminishing ourselves to a series of boxes that can be ticked off.  I’m the same age as them,we grew up in the same area, we both studied the same things but people are more complex than boxes.  We all have different personalities and difference experiences, we all view the world differently and we should see that as a wonderful thing.

    You shouldn’t compare yourself to anyone else because the only way you could have what they have is if you were them.  And you shouldn’t want to be anybody else.  We all have unique qualities that no one else possesses and life is about embracing and showing those unique qualities to people.  We shouldn’t be burdened by looming shadows of other peoples lives lingering over our own but instead let our own light shine.  I’m pretty sure I starting going into a speech from Coach Carter then but my point remains.  Comparing yourself to anyone in any way is completely pointless.  It can devalue your own life and achievements, no matter how small.  It becomes much easier to feel depressed when you’re not focusing on the good things about yourself and instead focusing on the good things about others, or at least, what you see as the good things.  Most likely the people you’re focusing on are just doing the same to someone else.  We need to start concentrating on ourselves now.

    Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow

    Jake