Day 36
My mood has been inconsistent recently. I’ve not been at work so I can’t even blame that. I feel like my life is lacking excitement, which is weird because I’ve spent the last few days filming with some college students for their final project. I’ve had things to get excited about. I’m gigging on Thursday and I’m excited about that but I feel like nothing else really matches that excitement I get from stage time. I’ve accepted this as the reality of anyone pursuing any kind of passionate endeavor, but I shouldn’t accept being bored during the times I’m not doing stand-up comedy.
I know it all probably boils down to productivity. Having things to do, create and talk about with people. These anti-depressants are meant to help me feel like the old me, and I have in spurts, but I can feel the precipice of depression over which my old self lingers, occasionally slipping down and being lifted back up by willpower and stage time. It’s a sad time when the things in your life you’re most excited about are gigs, sleep, food and sex. Not in that order and of course there are other things but this paragraph has clearly already been very over dramatic! I think change is needed in some form or another. I just don’t know what, I figured before it was just my day job but, credit where credit is due, the anti-depressants have helped manage my work related stress levels but clearly my previous depression wasn’t just linked to that.
I’m now at a point with my depression where I’m on the outside looking in rather than the inside looking out. I can analyse my life rationally rather than irrationally but it’s about putting those rational thoughts into practice. Although I still haven’t figured out what my current thoughts are. And that’s pretty damn integral to making changes. I can’t just go around changing random things in my life hoping they start making me happy, with my mind I might end up a miserably vegan with a wooden leg or something equally elaborate. I do want to start writing about other things. This blog has been getting less attention the more entries I post, which I don’t mind because like I’ve said before, this blog is just me adding to what I hope is an ever growing list of people talking about their mental health. But I do also want to create relevant, interesting and entertaining posts too so I can make my blog more varied. I like to write about a lot of things and shouldn’t just limit myself to a life on anti-depressants.
Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.
Jake
Jake Pickford 