Today I actually forgot to take my pill in the morning, I usually take it when I wake up but it totally slipped my mind. I eventually realised halfway through work so took it when I got home. I’m taking this as a huge positive. I didn’t have that feeling of needing to take my anti-depressants to get through my work, but I’m still going to be taking them. It’s still early days and I certainly don’t want to slip back into depression.
I need to use the motivation and mood these pills are giving me to be more productive, I’ve had some friends round the last two evenings so although I’ve had a good time, I’m aware of the fact it was time I wasn’t spending working on my podcast or comedy. I don’t want to be the kind of person who only works and don’t see friends or family of course, but I need to use my time more wisely, it’s too easy to get sucked into procrastination and avoiding finishing things. It’s almost worse to start something because if you don’t finish it then it’s always likely to annoy you just a bit, I’m still slightly annoyed with my 13 year old self for not sticking to learning the guitar. It’s the same with these podcasts, 8 episodes recorded, all of which need editing. But at least I’ve started right, well that’s worse, at least before I was just saying “I should start a podcast soon”, now I’m saying “damn it, I need to edit those podcasts”.
The thing is, I know it will all be worth it. I know this blog is, and will continue to be, worth it which is why I’ve stuck to it. From the first post I was hooked and when I release these new podcasts I know I’ll feel the same way. I just need to keep the momentum, I got the ball rolling by investing in a good microphone/recorder and kept it going by recording episodes but now it’s come to the editing and I’ve allowed the ball to slow down. I can’t let it stop and lose all that momentum I’ve built up.
Tonight with my friends we spoke about goals, having an end in sight for any idea. It got me thinking about my end goals. It such a weird thing to consider, you can only ever think you know what you want and focus on that, it’s almost always going to change. I know I want to be a comedian, but mainly I’ve always wanted to make people happy. And that feeling goes beyond comedy, it spreads into all aspects of life. Maybe that’s why I’ve carried on with this blog, I started it to talk about my depression and Day 1 was the first day I’d taken an anti-depressant since feeling so depressed, to the point of suicidal thoughts. I don’t think I would have done it but to have those kind of thoughts is a terrifying experience and basically the complete opposite of happiness. I started writing this blog in the hopes these pills would work and I could perhaps even help others, not necessarily convince anyone to take anti-depressants but just to confirm that the feeling that you have aren’t uncommon. Anxiety about the future, fears from your past, depression, worried and scared, sad, on edge, awkward, stupid. Everyone is affected these things that we bottle up inside and don’t talk about. Talking about it through this blog has certainly made me feel happier.
The thing is, everyone has a mental health state, in the same way that everyone has a physical health state. And we need to stop prioritising one over the other. If I get a cold I immediately feel the need to tell every one and if it was really bad I’d take some medicine and maybe see a doctor. If I got pneumonia I’d take a lot of medicine and see lots of doctors. Depression and Mental Health should be treated exactly the same without stigmatisation.
Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.