Jake Pickford

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Stand up Comedian based in London.

  • How to fix the world. 

    War! Huh? What is it good for?  Well maybe, just maybe solving all the worlds problems. 

    “Jake that’s ridiculous” I hear you cry.  Well you’re right, it is ridiculous.  The only way war could potentially fix the world is if we were invaded by an alien species who decides the best course of action is to obliterate all governments from existence and enslave us all in some sort of no one human is better than the other sort of way, thereby rendering pre-existing hierarchies obsolete and putting everyone on equal ground at the bottom of the ladder with no potentially of climbing that ladder.  You know, because the aliens would kill you if you even tried.  

    But with everyone forced to build statues to our new extraterrestrial leaders, there would be very little else to complain about and maybe bonds would form out of a singular common ground shared by all of humanity.  

    See, totally ridiculous, told you that you were right.  Well done you, go have a cookie, or buy cookies and have one.  Fuck it, have the whole pack, you deserve it.   

    Short of an alien invasion, I don’t think much else can really fix the world.  However it is fun to imagine so here’s how I’d do it. 

    1. Get rid of all money.  The world is in debt.  Think about that sentence for a second, and then think about what happens if the world didn’t pay their debt… does someone come and take everyone’s TV as payment.  Do we all lose our homes?  Money is one of the biggest problems the world faces, it stops wonderful things from happening due to lack of it for many, while allowing a small percentage to have all of the power.  
    2. Make everything solar powered.  Everything! 
    3. Giant suggestion boxes in every town where people can make suggestions that then go to global referendums. 
    4. Global trading system in place of money.  For example, you want some bread, do an hours work in a bakery. 
    5. Every household gets given 2 chickens that they must care for in return for eggs. They must care for these chickens like they are children.  The only difference being you would eat what came out of your children’s arse. 

    Some may say my plan is silly, but I see zero flaws in it. 

  • What the fuck am I doing with my life? 

    So I imagine this may sound familiar to a lot of readers (I’m fooling myself in to thinking a get “a lot of readers”), the whole question of “what do I want to do?”  

    The question that’s the bane of my existence, the thorn in my side, the pain in my arse.  I recently quit a job, just straight up quit though, none of this handing in a notice and working another 4 weeks at a job that made me literally want to take a hammer to my head (I was a carpenter too so I had the tools at my disposal to do so).  Now I find myself in a state of indecisive limbo.  A sort of ‘willing-to-do-anything’ attitude combined with a ‘want-to-find-my-dream-job’ desire.  A need for money being attacked by an internal attitude of “fuck money”, and I stand by that attitude.  Money is the route of all evil, not to mention the fact that in striving for it, most people forget to factor in that they’re humans, they’re individuals with wants and needs, loves and hates, passions and assumed purpose.  I’m lucky enough to know what I want my purpose to be – but unlucky enough that it’s definitely not something that has a corperate ladder for me to climb –  a stand up comedian. 

    And that’s probably true for mostly all creative type minds.  How do you write a CV when you’ve got zero work experience in anything that you don’t hate and still manage to find employment in something that doesn’t make you feel like every second you spend there is one step closer to an inevitable death and one huge stride towards eternal unhappiness.  That may be melodramatic but that’s how it feels.  So that’s why I ask myself the title question.  What the fuck am I doing with my life?  What ever that is, I know I need to turn my dial up to 100 because I really don’t have anymore time to fuck around.  Rent has to be paid, bills must be settled and life must be lived.  You can’t do any of those things with income and unfortunately the renting out your body for medical research field is oversaturated with people like me, ones who don’t want a boss, who don’t want to have to attend company meetings on how we can improve company relationships with someone you’ll never actually share company with.  It’s all so impersonal.  

    Basically in summary, I don’t want my alarm to go off and for me to scream “NO”.  

    Your first word every day upon waking shouldn’t be no.  It should be yes.  Or at the very least, okay.   

  • Fuck Mornings. 

    Seriously, they’re horrible.  And I think, I’m not a doctor but, they might actually be killing us all.  They have to be, why else would they feel this bad!  

    I’m currently riding the tube in London at 7am.  My alarm went off at 6:10am (and again at 6:12am because I’m so shit at getting out of my bed that I have to harass myself with offensive loud noises to force myself to get up) because, oh I don’t know, God hates me.  Or if you’re not religious then it’s because the universe hates me or if you’re more of an exestentialist, then I hate myself apparently.  

    I’ve never been a morning person, I’ve always hated the idea of not being asleep during the earlier, more disheartening hours of the day.  You know when you wake up and everything is quiet, the world is still and all is peaceful.  That’s how it’s meant to be, humans shouldn’t be awake at that time.  We’re just disturbing the peace and it’s offensive to the birds and killing the planet probably.  I don’t know, again I’m not a scientist but all I can say is that when you’re on a train at this time of day, the only thoughts going through your head, or at least my head, is “fuck this”. 

    I don’t think I help this attitude, I mean it’s probably not setting yourself up for a good day if the first thing that leaves your mouth is just a resounding “NO” matching the alarm clocks volume.  I genuinely mean that no too.  It’s like a proper no.  Like; no I’m not ready, no I don’t want to, no this isn’t right.  And it’s not right!  It’s not right we all have to sit on this train like salmon packed into a Pringles tube with nothing but our own cynicism to pollute our brains because at this time we don’t even want to attempt to converse with a stranger despite TFL’s new badges.  Alarms are unnatural things invented by a big corperation in order to help regulate the well oiled machine that is sheeple labour. 

    I don’t think this whole day job malarkey is for me, clearly it just upsets me.  

  • We’re all stupid. 

    Take a second to think back to the last stupid thing that you did.  Not a tragic regret, but one that you can laugh at. 

    Yes, it’s hard to admit but we are all stupid sometimes and if you don’t think you are, then unfortunately you’re slightly more stupid.  It’s those little moment we realise that we’ve done, or are about to do something really dumb, that I find wonderful.  We can laugh at ourselves.  I’m not talking stupid things like sending a dick pic, joining the KKK or enjoying all the work of Adam Sandler post 2000.  I’m talking about stupid things like going to put the cereal box in the fridge, or pushing on a door that clearly says pull, or preparing to leave the house, at the same time being on the phone to someone and then briefly worrying because you can’t find your phone.   
    Stupid means to show lack of intelligence.  Intelligence just means the ability to acquire and apply knowledge and skills. 
    Intelligence and stupidity are both relative to the situation in which you’re able to display either.  For example, if I have two people with me, one is a theoretical physicist and the person’s only skill is building boats out of trees.  A lot of people could agree that the physicist is more intelligent or that the person with only the boat building skill is stupid… BUT lets say we become stranded on a desert island, well then I’m afraid it’s physicist for lunch if boat building person needs more time and energy for their boat building.  Assuming they don’t both decide to eat me instead which they probably would.  And I’m ok with that, after all, I’m neither a physicist or a boat builder.  

    My whole convuluted point is that we shouldn’t judge people based on what we think is their intelligence or lack of.  I guarantee that every single person out there can do at least one thing better than you and knows countless things that you don’t.  Just as you know countless things that they don’t. 

    We’re all the same meat seasoned with uniqueness.  

  • Procrastinating (Adam Sandler; We’re not mad, just disappointed) 

    Procrastination will be the death of me. 

    I swear to God my gravestone shall be engraved with “I’m meant to be doing something else”.  I procrastinate so often that I procrastinate about procrastination.  For example, I’ll decide I want to watch a movie instead of doing something constructive (like applying for a job) so I’ll sit down, decide what movie to watch and within 5 minutes I’ll be watching YouTube videos on my phone having got no closer to actually playing the movie.  Then I’ll remember I can watch YouTube on my TV so I’ll just do that.  That’s like procrastinate-ception.  I’d make a better inception joke but I never got round to watching it.  I mean I’ve seen it once, but come on, if you fully understand that movie after just one viewing then you’re a smart arse.  

    This, what I’m doing right now though, isn’t procrastination.  This is winning at life by doing something productive!  Admittedly though, it probably shouldn’t be number 1 on my list of priorities, for example I’m not even dressed yet.  Yesterday’s Jake set so many goals for today’s Jake that it felt somewhat unrealistic to achieve them all so I decided best avoid that disappointment and do none of those things.  However, writing a blog post wasn’t on that list and I’ve done it!  So now this day, instead of being disappointing like almost every Adam Sandler movie since the year 2000, it’s been pretty bearable and sometimes funny, like every Adam Sandler movie prior to the year 2000. 
    I just find it difficult concentrate sometimes and lack the motivation to continue, plus I find his voice super annoying nowadays.  I’m still on Adam Sandler by the way.  I swear I’m about 20 words from turning this blog post’s title to ‘Adam Sandler, We’re not mad, just disappointed’. 

    To be fair Click was great and that was released in 2006, Funny People was released in 2009 and that was also good although not particularly funny.  But serious Adam; Jack and Jill? (2011), Grown Ups 2??(2013) Pixels???(2015).  What were you thinking… 

    I should stop writing this blog now, and do something else productive… or maybe I’ll watch a movie.  I’m thinking The Wedding Singer. 

  • Well if you don’t laugh… 

    You know what’s funny? everything. 

    And with good reason too, if not then we’d have probably all killed ourselves 9 times over already.  Life throws situations, tragedies, experiences our way and each is a test to see just how well we’re dealing with life.  If you’ve read any of my other blog entries, specifically the “my life on anti-depressants” entries, then you’d know that for a long time my day job was making me extremely depressed and suicidal.  If you haven’t read it, congratulations, you’re either a stranger or the majority of my family.  

    Well just under a month ago I quit that job, mainly because of the aforementioned suicidal tendencies cropping up within my solitary mind, but also to further my dream of being a stand up comedian.  Since quitting I’ve been substantially more relaxed, excluding the overwhelming fear of not getting another day job and failing to pay rent or my bills resulting in a somewhat more “free range” living arrangement, however I’m laughing off the fears for now.  At least, during my waking hours I am. 
    There’s another problem though, and I guess it stems from that comment I made earlier in this post.  My parents haven’t read this blog, and for ages I wanted that.  I didn’t want them knowing what I was going through.  Then one day I received a phone call from my mum who had heard from an aunt that I was suffering from depression.  I semi-confirmed this but told her that anyone could read about this on my blog.  As far as I know this blog has not been read by any of my immediate family.  This was approximately 2-3 months ago.  This was before I quit my job.  Fast forward to the last time I heard from my parents, 2 weeks ago on a ten minute phone call. This was a few days after I’d quit my job, which I did call them to tell them about immediately.  

    Now here’s the thing, I’m not for one second saying they did a bad job raising me or my sister but as I’m now 27 I kind of feel like they felt their job was done almost immediately after I moved out 3 years ago.  And if my life was going the way I wanted it too then great, but the fact is it isn’t.  All I know is if I had a child (which I never will) that I found out had been depressed, or was still depressed, I would make sure every day that I knew that child was ok whether that was a text, email, phone call, visit, anything.  

    The problem with arguing with parents is you immediately feel ungrateful for the fact they raised you.  Or at least I do, I feel like anything I say to them will make me sound like a spoilt brat.  Honestly I don’t know how to deal with this situation, I don’t know what to do.  I still feel like crying every time I think of the relationship I have with my parents.  I know it probably seems ridiculous but for example, I’ve lived here in London now for 3 and a half years, and to never have them visit when they’ve been to this great city many times for other reasons, during that time too! Combine that with the lack of birthday card for my 27th birthday, the lack of contact in the last fortnight, the lack of reading this blog, the lack of what feels like any real care anymore or interest in my life and it breaks my fucking heart. 

    The relationship with them has definitely changed and I’d give anything to have it be a normal one again, I see my housemates parents visiting (one of my housemates parents even live in Canada) and they have a great time together, I just start to sort of compare.  I’m fully aware I shouldn’t do that but it’s got to that point.  I know for a fact my parents can’t have not noticed a change in me, we don’t talk when I do visit really.  It’s just so hard.  And I feel scared and alone in the world without them.  I should be able to handle it alone and maybe that’s what they’re trying to make me do but even as I’m writing this I’ve starting crying over something I can’t even put in to words.  And then I just find myself getting angry. 

    This is less of a blog entry more of a rant.  I may even delete this.  But the fact is if I can’t laugh at this then what else is there to do.  Cry I guess.  Try and talk to them about it?  No. I can’t. For now this is going to have to remain between me, my website, and the maybe one reader this will get. 

    Peace out, 

    Go hug your family. 

    Jake. 

  • #AllLivesMatter

    On Sunday, June 12th in Orlando Florida a man committed the largest mass shooting in U.S history.  It was also the largest attack on the LGBT community in history.

    Author and columnist Owen Jones walked off the Sky News set after becoming infuriated with host Mark Longhurst’s lack of acknowledgment that this was undeniably an attack specifically upon the LGBT community.   The hosts response being that it’s more a tragedy against human beings in general, comparing it the France terror attacks of November 2015.  This response reminded me of the response to the 2013 social movement #BlackLivesMatter, which was #AllLivesMatter.

    Now here’s the thing, all lives do matter and that attack in Orlando was a tragic attack upon human beings.  But just because both of those things are true, does not mean they are a relevant criticism of the other facts that black lives matter and this was the largest attack on the LGBT community, both of which were much more relevant.  If someone asks you what the weather is like in London and you’re standing next to a window in London, or you’re outside in London, you’re not going to start explaining the history of weather in London are you.  Unless you’re Rain Man.  What I mean by that somewhat convoluted analogy is just because a response exists that might be true, it doesn’t mean it’s the right one.  All lives matter but all lives don’t have to experience racism.  Yes those are human beings being killed, but not all human beings experience hatred for something out of their control.

    The privileged dreamer in me wants to use phrases like all lives matter, but the realist in me stands by the #BlackLivesMatter movement because it needs everyone to stand by it.  To stand against the injustice in the world, to destroy systemic racism, to remove the idea of racism from existence and possibility.  The blind dreamer in me wants to say that it was an attack on human beings, but until prejudices no longer exist the realist in me will acknowledge the specific people involved because everyone needs to acknowledge them.  To stigmatise the prejudices, to eradicate the discrimination in this world forever.

    We don’t live in a dream world, we live in the most real world that we will ever know.  Some people just haven’t woken up yet.  Probably because the dream world is apparently devoid of racism and homophobia.  It sounds like a blissfully ignorant place to live.  But the real world is an unfair place that will only be changed when everyone opens their eyes to the issues and pain of others and we work together to change them.  Then we can turn the dream world that some people live in, into the reality for everyone.

    Thanks for reading and speak to you soon.

  • Don’t Worry, Be Boring.

    I worry about a lot of things.  I worry about my job, my love life, money, health, my happiness, the impending nuclear war and countless other things looming over my potential enjoyment of life.  With that worry comes ambition, a burning desire to get to a point in my life at which I am no longer worrying about these thing.  I’ll be working the dream job and being paid enough to alleviate the financial fear, I’ll be happy with my love life, happy with myself and safe in the knowledge that Donald Trump is not in power… hopefully.  With that ambition comes goals, aspirations, things to actively attempt to pursue in order to turn those dreams into a reality.  And finally with hard work, time and perhaps a bit of luck, I can achieve those things and stop worrying.

    So let’s look at worrying in the most optimistic of fashions, when you worry you are only actually four steps away from never having to worry again.  Worry – Ambition – Goals – Work until achieved.  Worrying is the catalyst for so many good things but a lot of the time the first step on that cycle of worrying traps us, it overwhelms us.  Our rational mind is consumed by worry so much that we can no longer think coherently about the next step we have to take.  Which is to say, thinking about the last step and working backwards.  People are afraid to aim high, to dream, to imagine a world where they have no limitations.  But we are the only ones capable of creating that reality.  And of course, worry will exist with every step you take on the journey to achieving what we want in life, but without worry, without the fear you simple achieve the average.

    So think of a world with no limitations, think of a world where passion is held on the same regard as educational merit or experience in fields.  Think of a life where you’re doing exactly what you want to the highest possible degree.  What makes you happier than anything in the world, then work your way backwards from that to where you are now.  Once you have that then there is no excuse to take the first step on that journey. And if you say that it’s hard, I will point out to you that so is childbirth, yet here you are, reading this blog.  Now what do you want to do, get a crappy job that you hate, just so you can pay rent somewhere and pay someone else’s mortgage so you can eventually save enough money for a deposit so a bank to buy a house and you can pay  them for the rest of your existence but at least you’ve got a two up two down in the city now, and somehow you managed to get promoted in the crappy job you hate so now you get to drive to work in a car that isn’t yours either, talking on a phone that isn’t yours whilst you’re crying inside over the fact that you’re starting to realise how short life is so you better have kids with the person you settled with because you were sick of being alone so you can try and project your dreams onto the offspring who will see your life and think the highest aspiration achievable is buying something on a store card you’ve saved enough point on or getting a free Big Mac because Mcdonalds brought back the monopoly game.  Is that what you want?  Well them good luck to you.  But maybe, just maybe, you could spare the hour in the day you’d normally be watching re-runs of a show you’ve seen hundreds of times already to give some thought into what really makes you fucking happy.  I’d rather spend the rest of my life trying to do something I love and failing miserably than just cruising through life not worrying about a single thing because i’m blinded by what I’ve been idly informed is happiness but in fact is simply existing and nothing more.  Don’t be a cog, be the hand that turns the wheels.

    Thanks for reading and speak to you soon.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 41

    I think a lot.  I think about my life, my dreams and aspirations.  I think about what life is, does it have a purpose?  I don’t believe that we’re told enough to really think about what we want out of life.  I think we’re told what other people think we need.  We need to get a job that pays our bills, to live in a house, perhaps we can meet that special someone and have kids.  Sometimes we’ll go to college or university and study hard to achieve qualifications for things that don’t really make us happy.  Alan Watts gives a great speech entitled What if money was no object, it’s fantastic and I highly recommend everyone watches it.  I can only do a terrible job of paraphrasing but basically the title is self explanatory.  What if money didn’t exist, what would you love to do with your time?  Now think practically about how you can start to do that.  I perform stand up comedy, and it makes my shitty day job much more bearable knowing I’m still following my dream and working towards what I want.  It sucks I can’t do it all the time yet but I know that as long as I don’t give up I’ll get there eventually. Two of the hardest things in life are taking the first step to doing what you really love and not giving up just because it’s not as easy as you thought it might be.

    I think a lot of people worry about not knowing what they want to do with their lives.  But really it’s just thinking about what makes you the happiest and taking steps towards that.  If you love animals, start volunteering at an animal shelter or try to get a job somewhere that works with animals.  If baking makes you happy, write a recipe book, or start a YouTube channel with tutorials, start uploading pictures of your cakes to instagram.  Live the life that makes you happiest and try not to worry about having to dedicate your time to a day job or other things that don’t make you happy.  The more work you put into the things that do make you happy, the more likely you are to be able to make earning a living from it a reality.  And if you really love it, then it shouldn’t feel like work at all.  You don’t have to know what you want to do for the rest of your life, you just have to know what you want to do right now that would make you the happiest.  People change all the time and it 10 years I might never want to step on stage, see a microphone or make audeinces laugh ever again, but right now it’s all I want to do.

    Let’s not get it confused though, chasing dreams is exhausting and very mentally challenging.  But the rewards for all those late nights working on ideas and long drives to gigs, perusing what I really want, are worth every single hour of lost sleep because I know that in the end I’ll still be happy.  And every one deserves to be happy.

    Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake

  • My Life; on Anti-Depressants

    Day 40

    Let’s talk about mental health.  That’s a sentence I don’t think we hear enough.  As human beings I can guarantee almost every single one of us lies almost on a daily basis.  When someone asks “How are you?” and you respond with “Fine thanks”.  None of us are every just fine, we’re so much more than that.  But we feel like we’d be crazy to respond with the truth, something along the lines of “Well I haven’t killed myself but I do feel like life is crushing me more and more by the second and I’m not sure how much longer I can take it”.  We know, or at least we think we know, that people will treat us differently if they knew how we were really feeling about life.  But the truth is that the person who asked you how you were is probably about two seconds from lying right back to you.  Imagine how much better you’d both feel if you connected on a level of true honesty about the fears and anxieties that we pretty much all go through.  We all have different lives, experiences and thoughts but the beautiful thing about human beings is our ability to relate and empathise.  The evidence to this is everywhere from the way people get emotional over YouTube videos and films to the way we humanise things like cars and dogs.

    People feel like there is a stigma attached to mental health, but the only way to defeat that stigma is by directly addressing it and talking openly about our own issues.  To educate the uneducated and to help those who suffer in silence.  For me it was depression, I felt alone and isolated in a world with over 7 billion people.  The world is huge and to try and take it on alone is a near impossible task, especially given it’s history of throwing things your way when you least expect them.  Life is unpredictable and so are we, that includes our thoughts, feelings and even our actions.  I was afraid of talking to people about my depression and to certain people I still am.  I suppose it’s because I’m afraid of how they’ll react, will they treat me differently?  Will they start worrying about me?  I’m sure other people feel the same way too.  We’re overly confident in our abilities to predict how other people will behave.  I’ve had a lot of people that I have spoken to about my depression respond in a really heart-warming and honest way and have had lots of conversations with people about mental health since starting this blog.  A lot of people have said I’m brave for talking about it.  Which is something I find quite sad really.  To suggest something is brave sort of acknowledges that it’s out of the ordinary.  I don’t want to be brave for doing this blog, I just want everyone to feel comfortable talking about mental health and the annoying thing is I think everyone else wants that too.  But it doesn’t happen because life is shit sometimes.  But the more people start being honest about how they feel and really talking to people the better it’s going to get.  And the easier.

    The generation that I’m in (I’m 26) has seen a lot of wonderful changes in liberalism and acceptance of each other like legalisation of same sex marriage, huge changes in drug laws (admittedly not in the UK) and huge movements in LGBT rights, wouldn’t it be amazing to see more people taking steps towards ending the stigmatisation of mental health issues.  I take anti-depressants, I’m not ashamed of that.  I still feel like I can’t talk to my family about my mental health and I am ashamed of that.  I know they would be supportive but like I said I think I’m scared, it’s the ultimate acceptance and final nail in my depression.  But it’s all part of who I was, am and will continue to be.  I know my family would accept that and anyone who doesn’t belong in my life.

    Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.

    Jake.