So I imagine this may sound familiar to a lot of readers (I’m fooling myself in to thinking a get “a lot of readers”), the whole question of “what do I want to do?”
The question that’s the bane of my existence, the thorn in my side, the pain in my arse. I recently quit a job, just straight up quit though, none of this handing in a notice and working another 4 weeks at a job that made me literally want to take a hammer to my head (I was a carpenter too so I had the tools at my disposal to do so). Now I find myself in a state of indecisive limbo. A sort of ‘willing-to-do-anything’ attitude combined with a ‘want-to-find-my-dream-job’ desire. A need for money being attacked by an internal attitude of “fuck money”, and I stand by that attitude. Money is the route of all evil, not to mention the fact that in striving for it, most people forget to factor in that they’re humans, they’re individuals with wants and needs, loves and hates, passions and assumed purpose. I’m lucky enough to know what I want my purpose to be – but unlucky enough that it’s definitely not something that has a corperate ladder for me to climb – a stand up comedian.
And that’s probably true for mostly all creative type minds. How do you write a CV when you’ve got zero work experience in anything that you don’t hate and still manage to find employment in something that doesn’t make you feel like every second you spend there is one step closer to an inevitable death and one huge stride towards eternal unhappiness. That may be melodramatic but that’s how it feels. So that’s why I ask myself the title question. What the fuck am I doing with my life? What ever that is, I know I need to turn my dial up to 100 because I really don’t have anymore time to fuck around. Rent has to be paid, bills must be settled and life must be lived. You can’t do any of those things with income and unfortunately the renting out your body for medical research field is oversaturated with people like me, ones who don’t want a boss, who don’t want to have to attend company meetings on how we can improve company relationships with someone you’ll never actually share company with. It’s all so impersonal.
Basically in summary, I don’t want my alarm to go off and for me to scream “NO”.
Your first word every day upon waking shouldn’t be no. It should be yes. Or at the very least, okay.