I wonder of the bigger things
Like why the robin sweetly sings
Every morning chorus lead
To get me out my lovely bed
I open windows just to hear,
Locate the robin far or near
Then grab a rock or maybe bottle
And give its beak a fucking throttle
I don’t want to hear your tune
So shut up feathery buffoon,
Let me sleep so deep and long
And shut up with your stupid song.
I’m so bored on the news, which is a terrifying thing when you think about it. I’m totally desensitised to everything from brexit and climate change to wars and terrorism. Remember when you were a kid and none of this mattered. It was wonderful. I’m bored, I think I’ll just run around in a circle for a bit. I feel sad, time to build a fort.
We don’t do those things as adults, we don’t get to express ourselves in the same way that children do because we’re told that we shouldn’t. Look at all these terrible things happening around the world and stop acting so childish, now get out of that fort and go get a job for God sake, you’re 18 now. You need to get a job so you can help the economy, so you can donate to charity, so you can be a proper adult. And be miserable like the rest of us.
What a horrid way to spend the majority of our lives. We only get a small percentage of our years on earth that we are told by society; it’s okay to build forts, play with toys and have imaginary friends. Especially that last one, but it’s okay for other people to talk to “God”, little tip is to call your imaginary friend God or some other variation. Personally I call my imaginary friend Bear, he rides a bicycle often, I had him as a child but then got rid of him for quite some time, he’s made a recent comeback during playtime.
According to google, the average age expectency in the UK is 80, that means that the childhood years where you’re using that emotional creative expression, say 2-16, accounts for only one sixth of our lives. We look back at our childhood and say to ourselves that we’re done with all that kids stuff, that purely emotional creative drive that all children have, we don’t need that anymore.
But that is exactly what we do need. We need that creative outlet in order to survive the harsh reality of adult life. We need play time. We need moments where we switch off our thoughts and let our feelings take over. Let logical thinking rest and let your mind have a chance to play. Your imagination is limitless but your time on earth isn’t. Children, in their minds, can create anything from anything, or even from nothing. They’re like tiny wizards. Let your tiny wizard take over from time to time.
How? Well firstly I’d say Lego is awesome. Or anything toy construction type thing. Also having conversations out loud that you might have in your head normally, and using a teddy, action figure or even your hand to respond. Warning. You will feel silly doing this but remember that is the point. You’re not taking life so seriously remember. I’ve mentioned forts a lot in this post but that’s because they’re awesome. Build one. Let your child mind free and you will find a way. Also, forget what they told you, play with your food.
Let me know if you can think of other ways to let your inner child out. I’d love to hear them.
Imagine from thispersondoesnotexist.com
People should need to pass a test to become parents. There would be questions like: Do you think your child will need a separate seat on the train? Are you planning on getting on a plane with this child in the next 10 years? Do you believe you shouldn’t give a child vaccines because they cause autism?
If you answer yes to any of these questions then no kids for you.
Because you’re a fucking selfish idiot.
Which means you will most likely produce more idiots.
It’s less eugenics more I.Queugenics.
Now go adopt a cat.
Or better yet, adopt a dog and then adopt a cat.
A puppy is like a baby and a dog basically grows up to be the perfect working example of the expression kids should be seen and not heard.
And then you’ve got a cat…
Switches it’s mood instantly for no reason, disappears for three days without so much as a goodbye and then strolls back in without an explanation, just demanding food. Then goes to bed. Treating your house like a hotel. Only showing you affection when it wants something. Which is basically like spending your life with a teenager.
If your teenager acted out in protest by shitting on your sofa. That’s the only difference
Background image made by Danny Walsh
I sometimes worry about things.
Like have I forgotten to do something, or am I doing enough for climate change, or If reincarnation were true but you kept your own consciousness, could I handle living as a duck.
Probably not. I know very little of duck culture, I could never fit in. I am not a strong swimmer currently and although I image as a duck I would instinctively be able to swim, I also feel that if I had my own consciousness that I wouldn’t feel confident swimming. And that would definitely show on my face to other ducks. Probably not to humans, we humans probably lack the capability in our mind to comprehend the subtle facial expressions of the duck. But when I am reincarnated to live among them, I would be a very poor poker player. Or whatever the duck equivalent is. I am certain they have games. Why else would they fly in shapes.
That’s another thing, I’m not good at working in groups. More of a solo flyer. But that’s not the ducks game. The duck loves a good group fly. Flocking around up there like sky sheep. Or is that just geese? I think I’d make a better eagle. Solo and soaring around up there just chilling. I feel like a bird is probably one of the better animals to get reincarnated into. A fish isn’t a great option is it? So many potential deaths. Fishing, predators, humans slowly killing you off with environmental disaster. Even if you’re a shark, pretty much all of your food has been poisoned or fucked with in someway by plastic. That would be like if every time we bought food we were forced to also eat the packaging.
I could definitely be a dog or a cat. I much prefer dogs to cats. I feel like when you get a dog you’re saying I want a pet, when you get a cat you’re saying I want to be a pet. I’d rather be a cat though for that reason. Cats have much more freedom and agility. Dogs can’t survive in the wild anymore. If me and a dog had to survive in the apocalypse I’d eat the dog. If me and a cat had to survive in the apocalypse, the cat would go missing for 10 days then come back and try to eat me.
They’re survivors. They’re evil though. They don’t care about your feelings. I worry one day they could take over somehow. Who knows with A.I. It’s a mess out there. Maybe that’s what we need, cats to rise up. Become our overlords and enslave us all. Forcing us to place our most valuable possessions onto ledges so they can knock them off and laugh as we weep over a photo of our long lost Uncle Kenneth or our shattered iPhone 10. Never letting us sleep beyond 3am as all the cat overlords join to sing in out of harmony ballads. These will ring out for hours and hours as other small cats stand at the doors to houses, never actually entering.
Perhaps this is what we need to be shown. That our valuables are only ever a nudge away from destruction and that our lives should be more based on the very moment you’re living in. Maybe you wanted to go inside one second ago but now you’ve changed your mind again oh no wait you’ve changed it again you’re coming in, and that’s fine.
How can I sleep, when I walk through the street and bodies lay frozen right there at my feet.
How can I sleep, when their muscles are weak, when their breathing is freezing and their futures are bleak.
How can I sleep, when they’re out through the night, with the cold for a bite, without an ounce left to fight.
How can I sleep in the cozy warm bed when the ones on the outside can’t lay down their head.
How can I sleep, when they ask me for change and I pat down my pockets to show off my range.
How can I sleep, with the change I do offer, he’s the one with the cough who sees me as the coffer.
How can I sleep, I don’t understand. I seem to have two but don’t offer a hand,
The guilt that I feel is rightly so. Because societal failings I view as my own.
To be told that I shouldn’t I think is a lie, when there’s those on the streets who are waiting to die.
So let none of us sleep, we haven’t earned rest. Till the ones who have nothing, are firmly addressed.
I shout out, no one hears me though
So I get angry, rage rises from the depths below
Until I realise no sound actually came out
And the silence is just an echo of my fears and doubt.
I’m mad at the world, or just mad, at the world.
Inevitably growing into something I fear, old.
Cold and dark inside, as I turn like a rolling barrel
Upon my own temple, soon to be in drenched apparel
Like the one who made the sacrifice, I hold the tools
And as the liquid seeps down my stepped throat like wolves
Taking their last prey, before they transform into dust
What started out as puppy love becoming dogged lust
Dismay as doors close behind me and I stare at locked window
I have to take the highs to not want to be below.
What floor am I on, I lost count at my first misstep.
A choice, is dawning, it’s ours, all times I’ve wept
No one spots the mistakes but me and all, who I decide
On the dance, flaw, I’ll accept it without damaged pride
But I lie on the ground, raw emotion prevents the truth.
And I was told to leave them behind like a baby tooth
I should put on the crown, be a king with a smile
When my numbers are up, I’m beginning to dial.
And so I please beg you to notice the ways
Of the ones who breathe in through the smoke and the haze
And not just assume when they say it’s all fine.
That the full stop does not mean the end of the line
The following is a list of tips I have for performers of stand up comedy.
I am in no way an expert on this however I have been getting up on stages for over 6 years and in that time I like to think I have amassed some knowledge of a few of the dos and don’ts when it comes to making an audience listen, pay attention and hopefully laugh.
It is absolutely not in order of importance. It is more a stream of consciousness that has been added to when convenient for myself. And the idea behind it is that if anyone wishes to read it, that it may give them some food for thought.
Feel free to think they’re all incorrect. Or unhelpful. But it’s just what I have picked up. It is purely intended to help others to avoid the early mistakes I made. I still make mistakes but not as many as I did 6 years ago.
I will keep adding to this so feel free to check back from time to time.
Enjoy reading.
1. Enjoy yourself.
2. Don’t slap your thighs
3. Avoid saying err or umm
4. Make eye contact with audience members
5. Enunciate
6. Project
7. Don’t speak and do actions at the same time, it’s distracting. Do one then the other.
8. A joke isn’t bad, just unfinished.
9. Don’t be afraid to tell people to stop talking. Most people in the audience will be on your side, or at the least sympathise with you so it’s very rare you’ll turn the majority of the audience against you for telling one or two people to shut up.
10. Know the area and venue you’re gigging in. And try to know your audience.
11. Commit. As in, if you’re in character. Stay in character. If you’re high energy. Stay high energy. Etc.
12. Don’t be afraid to go off script. It can be a great way of getting an audience back on side if your written jokes aren’t working.
13. If you’re MCing, know your running order, if a high energy act has left the crowd in hysterics, don’t just immediately bring on the next act if they’re low energy.
14. Remember none of this is personal. It may feel it but in reality all comedy is subjective and there may be times where you’re playing to an entire room of people who aren’t your audience.
15. Take each gig as it is. Do not over complicate ideas based on the gig before whether that was good or bad. Just do your material or whatever you do, and go from there.
16. Stay in the room. If you go inside your own head too much you could miss an opportunity for comedy gold in front of you.
17. Keep a note pad and pen with you everywhere you go, you never know when an idea may come to you.
18. Keep haribo fizzy sweets in the car for long trips. They’re great at keeping you awake.
19. Network. But at the same time it doesn’t matter if you don’t know everyone on the circuit. There’s far more people trying comedy then you could ever possibly fathom.
20. Try to gig outside of your comfort zone whether that be geographically or stylistically. Even if you don’t do this more than once, it will teach you much more than if you didn’t.
21. Keep gigging. And for no other reason than you want to make people laugh. That should be the absolute bottom line reason why you’re doing this.
22. Remember, just because someone else has a joke about a topic, that doesn’t mean you don’t have a unique perspective on it. Keep it as personal as possible with regards to your own lens through which you see the world.
23. The audience will judge you on your appearance. Bear this in mind and use it to your advantage.
24. Address things the audience may be distracted by early on. Elephants in the room must be spoken about for the audience members to move past them. Try and imagine what an audience may be distracted by during your set and talk about them early on so they can move past them.
25. When MCing, remember that you’re not there to be the funniest person in the room. You’re there to ensure the night runs smoothly. But you will also need to be funny. Ensure they know the ground rules and ensure they’re feeling comfortable enough to laugh in a room of strangers. This may mean your jokes won’t go down as well as you’d hope. That’s fine. Just keep going until they’re warm enough for the acts.
26. Make sure you are honest with the audience. That doesn’t mean you have to tell them the truth. But if you promise them ballet, get that tutu on or tell them you were joking. Don’t leave things lingering without completion in some way.
27. Do think about what you’re wearing. Does it serve you? If not, it’s probably making your job more difficult.
28. Write, re-write, write again. Even if you think you’ve perfected a joke. Don’t be afraid to double check by trying it a different way just to see.
29. When you’re starting out especially, do bear in mind that A LOT will change. So don’t keep too commited to anything early on. There’s a lot of different styles out there and you may find in messing around at one gig that you enjoy doing a particular type of comedy more. So experiment.
30. Speaking of which, you could have the best material on the circuit but if you’re not delivering it confidently and well practiced then it’s as good as a chocolate teapot. So if something doesn’t land, remember your delivery could be off, not the material. But most of the time it’s not the audience.
31. Sometimes, not often but sometimes, it’s the audience. This could be a result of the heat of the room, the distractions out of your hand or the fact that they’ve all had a shitty day that you don’t know about. Never take it personally. If you do, you will not make it far in this industry.
32. What you find funny is your sense of humour. Remember that. And remember you’re not the only one who has that sense of humour, you just have to be patient finding your audience.
33. Be patient. Not just at each gig but over the course of your stand up life. Everyone is on a different journey, some may take the express route, some may take the slow road. The only thing they have in common is they didn’t give up.
34. Never compare yourself to anyone else. It achieves nothing more than making someone (usually yourself) feel bad.
35. Try not to gig hungover. It’s fucking horrible.
36. Try to deliver new material like it’s old material. Don’t bail on it or hide behind labelling it new material. You’ll find out more and get a more honest response from an audience that way.
37. Try to record all your gigs in some way and make notes on your performance. Listen to how different audiences respond and pay attention to your tone, energy, inflections and pauses. These are important aspects to a joke that go beyond just the words used.
38. Listen to advice from audience and peers even if you don’t take it on board. It helps gain a wider perspective.
39. Keep your phone charged.
40. Pace yourself on stage. It’s better to deliver 5 well timed gags rather than 10 rushed ones.
I know how to write a paper
I will be just fine for later
I can do my twelve times table
So adulthood I’m more than able
I arrive when the bells ring
Like pavlovs dogs, I’ve learnt this thing
And many more a skill I’ve mastered
Not like you, you silly bastard
I have cracked the fractions code
And means, range, mediun and mode
Pythagoras, hypotenuse
Both of which I’ll no doubt use
Mitosis and osmosis learnt
High grades that I have more than earnt.
School did such great jobs for me
A good job I will get you see
With all these key skills locked and loaded
I graduate then I am goaded
Into a world I’m meant to know
What the fuck are taxes though
What’s a mortgage, we weren’t taught
Debt is rising, fast food bought
I was never taught nutrition
Dreams often don’t come to fruition
School is meant to help with life
But it stays the same when change is rife
Life’s a tortoise, and school’s a hare
Cautious, raucous and unaware
Not made for ways in modern days
Stuck inside draconian phrase
And yet we send our future here
Then watch it slowly disappear.
Yes. Or specifically fucked. I have tried to live in London on savings and small earnings here and there. I have tried and failed. I am at the point of zero. I am broke. I am fully broke, like can’t afford to get to a employment centre, interview or job kind of broke.
Credit card bills and loan repayments are coming at me like a swarm of wasps ready to sting, each causing more damage than the last. I’m sitting in my overdraft like it’s a pool of quicksand. Sinking further and further down into my eventual demise. Looking around at people hoping someone might extend a branch of opportunity but apparently banks aren’t interested in helping you but more helping themselves. I went to the bank to tell them I have no income coming in and the advice I was given was to not spend any money.
Fuck you banker. Fuck you man who has chosen a career in the mundane rather than attempt to follow a dream. You absolute cunt of a waste of human flesh. Nothing against bankers per say. Just ones who offer that kind of advice to someone who has just said they don’t have enough money to live and pay off the debts. I mean seriously, try not to spend money… Tell me exactly how anyone would do that living in the capital city of the 6th largest economy in the world. When just travelling somewhere on a week day can cost a tenner.
I’m fully aware I am the architect in my own downfall here. I know I should have tried harder to sort this out sooner but I didn’t. I have never been good with money management. I want to enjoy whatever is happening in the right now, why wouldn’t I want to live like that. I have no idea when I, or anyone else for that matter, could just drop dead. Imagine having thousands and thousands of pounds saved in a special account for you to just up and die one day before you even get to enjoy the fruits of your savings. What a shit life that would be. Oh I worked my arse off for X amount of years so I can have all this money when I retire. But I never had time to enjoy myself. Now I’m old and I have all this money and time but my body has been crippled by the intensive work I put in during my prime years so now I can’t go out and do the things I planned to do when I was young.
See that’s the thing. I want a fine balance. But life doesn’t allow that. We are stuck in a society that condenses every issue and every element of our lives into black and white. Left or right. Up or down. This or that. We don’t allow for nuance. For grey areas. For the Inbetween. We look at life like a series of concrete slabs and in doing so allow too many people to fall between the cracks. And when you’re existing in a gap between the rich and the happy for too long you start to think that’s where you belong. You start to take on the traits of a crack-dweller. You start to think you should be walked over, that you should be incapable of climbing out from the precipice you find yourself in. And then everything else in society takes on new shapes and meanings as your lens is distorted in new ways to match your new found dwellings. I cannot walk the path of those in successful shoes. I certainly can’t expect them to try on my muddied loafers. My footwear scuffed and with holes and leaking soles. Do you see how the language I use is so self deprecating. Mainly because our world is one where the value of a human being is basically boiled down to the status of their employment. And pretty much fuck all else. “Hey, nice to meet you. So what do you do?”.
We aren’t looking for answers like “oh well in my spare time I like to paint”. When we ask that question we’re basically saying “what could you do for me? And what worth have others place on you?”. So when you’re unemployed it’s very easy to start feeling worthless. And even if other aspects of your life have worth much more measurable than how much fucking tax you pay and how many weekends in a row you’re called back to the office, it doesn’t matter because eventually that feeling of worthlessness creeps into those other elements of your life. It’s like a cancer on our happiness. Growing. Infecting healthy parts of us. Making us ill, making us weak.
I’ve rambled on but for the most part it’s because the act of writing keeps me sane. I need to remind myself of my worth and even if no one reads these posts I know that I’ve made this. I’ve created something and it’s forever there for the world to see. Now I just need to convince them it’s worth looking at. That I’m worth looking at. Which is a lot harder.
I’d love to end this post with something positive. A message or a moral. Perhaps even advice for people who are a few steps further away from the edge I’m currently precariously balanced on. But I don’t. Because we’re all individuals and in trying to give generic advice anyone could read and take on board all I’m doing is putting everyone into the same A or B categories all of society does. And we’re all so much more unique than that. So maybe that’s the key. Focus on your individuality and know that in doing so you’re fighting against the status quo and it may get real tough. There’s even a chance you may lose that fight. But what a worthy fight. What a cause worth fighting for. There should not be a more worthy cause in your life deserving of your fight than your own personal true happiness. If you don’t have that how can you possibly help anyone else.
Good luck.
I don’t like them
“They’re good for you”
Well surely there are others that are good for me too.
“Yeh but I’ve made these so you have to eat
In fact, you better stay right there in your dining seat”
But come on please, I really don’t like these
When I do become an adult I will never eat peas
I’m sure the nutritional value is great
But get these little green terrorists off my plate
They roll away that’s why we call them escapees
I force them to leave my land like they’re refugees.
I can’t stand the taste, the texture or the look
I’d rather eat the p section from a recipe book
I’d rather eat all the Peas in the dictionary
I’ll even eat your drawing from a game of pictionary
No one really likes peas, they’re part of conditioning
Sociatal expectations, conforming to positioning.
Little green things to remind us of our place
No one actually enjoys but we shove them in our face
They’re a metaphor for work and for putting up with shit
You’re just a cog in a machine so you’d better learn to fit.
And it all starts with staring at those little round clones
Forced to consume life’s mundanity, as we reflect upon our own
If we eat peas then we accept the unremarkable
Rather than acknowledging that we are waves and particles.
Our potential is infinite and our minds are all unique
How can we accept a silence when we’re the only ones that speak
All these little things that we don’t notice take away our spirit
Till we’re buried in the ground and then there’s no one there to hear it
So don’t conform to these ideas of what they tell you to do.
Don’t wear, eat, say, go, drink, show what isn’t you.
And I cannot emphasise this enough please.
Ask plenty of questions and do not eat peas.
Jake Pickford 