Today is the fourth day of me taking Anti-depressants. They’re not working yet and I’m ill so this combination makes my mood pretty shitty. I’m trying to stay optimistic about everything but it is quite hard. I’ve been watching inspiration/motivational videos of YouTube whilst simultaneously working out why none of them work for my life. Which is probably not true but it’s always easier to give advice than to take it. And it’s even easier to dismiss advice instantaneously and eat ice cream on the sofa in your dressing gown. Fact!
The reason I started taking these pills is pretty simple, I want them to help me look at things logically and reasonably rather than crying and giving up on life. I don’t do alone very well. I can do it for small amounts of time but lets say I have to go for a long drive alone, that’s when my brain decides it’s the best time to analyze my life. And tell me that because of the things I did (like stay in a job I hate for too long), or didn’t do (like try harder in school) that it’s probably not going to get easier and ending it is a plausible and reasonable option. And thinking like that scares the shit out of me, I don’t want to think that way but your own mind has the power to convince you of anything if you let it. I became wrapped in a loop of constantly pondering how fast time had gone, how little I’ve achieved, how far I am away from what I think I want in life, do I even really know what I want in life? I think I do. I want these pills to essentially reset my brains irrationality meter. I keeps going into overdrive and it’s clouding my judgement of reality.
I know that a lot of people go through similar thoughts and feelings and part of me hopes that not only will I help myself by taking these pills, but that by documenting my mental progress in this blog that I can help or inspire others. I guess it took me so long to start taking the pills because I felt like it was a form of giving up. It felt like a failure on my part for not being strong enough to deal with my own life. I hated this idea I had that taking pills was the first step in really admitting there was a problem with my brain. But really I already knew there was a problem. I wasn’t always like this, I wasn’t always depressed. I didn’t like the change that had happened within me and that was the biggest problem. I was in a circle where I hated my life and hated myself for letting my life get that way and I certainly didn’t think there was anything I could do about it. I’ve broken away from that circle for now, but the problem with depression as I’ve experienced it, is that it comes and goes. That’s where these pills came in . I don’t want to go back to my lowest. And I want these pills to raise the floor so I can’t. Taking these pills isn’t giving up, it’s the opposite. It’s fighting back.
Tomorrow I have a job interview and a gig. It will be day 5 of my journey on anti-depressants. Hopefully I’m feeling better as well because I imagine turning up to a job interview with a runny nose and coughing up your lungs is probably not the best way to leave a good impression.
Thanks for reading and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.