Day 3. “He’s Alive”
Well, I’m not dead yet. This flu is winning though. Last night it kept me awake trying to choke me to death and this morning I found that I’d inadvertently thrown up a phlegm ball onto my shoe during a particularly furious bout of semi-conscious coughing. Nice.
So on top of my new happy pills, I’m also taking ALL the medicine. I bought medicine I don’t even have the symptoms for on the basis that I need to be prepared just in case I do suddenly get an ear ache or a particularly heavy period. When this flu hit me I had no medicine so day one felt like I was defending myself against an army furious bears with a pocket knife.
Since the “My Life” part of this blog is currently on hold due to potentially fatal (who knows) influenza, only half the title is currently true. I was meant to have a gig tonight but I’ve had to cancel due to struggling to be able to stand up let alone do the comedy part too. And I’ve also been signed off my day job (the one I was already signed off for with depression but meant to be going back too yesterday) until Monday. My life currently consists of going from sofa to bed, depending upon which is closer and less sweaty, to sleep. Also I don’t want to gross you out too much but I’m fairly confident yesterday evening I pissed out my asshole. So not really the kind of stuff you’d want to read about or I want to relive through the medium of blog.
Whenever you’re ill and you see people who aren’t ill, like a friend or family or anyone who knows you, why do they always say “oh, don’t infect me” or “keep it to yourself” or some other shit like that. If I had the power to pick and chose who I could infect with this do you really think that I’d be standing here wasting my time talking to you? No! of course I wouldn’t. I’d be using my limited time to infect evil politicians with my weird power. I’d be pathetically trying to raise my arms high enough to cast my flu spells on David Cameron and Donald Trump. Not standing near some idiot who doesn’t seem to understand how viruses work.
People say such dumb things and I’m ill so I’m going to rant about some more. Like I joke about a lot of things, can’t help it and in fact I find a lot of the time it helps me get through some tough stuff like… oh I don’t know, a Monday. So anyway, I could be watching TV and some politician could come on talking about how stealing money from poor people is totally justifiable and I’ll be like “I hope they get mauled by a fucking angry badger”. Then someone will say something like “Don’t say that, what if it came true?” Like that would be a bad thing. It wouldn’t, and I would feel like a God.
Another thing is when people tell you to get home safely. Like you have control over it, or if they hadn’t said it you’re going to start jumping across rooftops instead of taking the bus. “Drive home safely”, Oh I’m glad you reminded me because I was just about to reverse the whole way. It’s not like you get people saying things after someone gets mugged like “I don’t understand how this could have happened, I told them to get home safely”.
And finally the expression “It’s easy when you know how”. No shit.
Tell me one thing that when you know how to do it, it gets harder, other than touching a penis.
Hopefully you’ve enjoying my Day 3 entry. I promise it’ll start being more “daily blog” style once my daily life kicks back in. And again thanks everyone that liked my last two entries. It means a lot that there are people enjoying what I’m writing. It’s very rewarding and I haven’t felt anywhere near the level of depression I was at just a few days ago in terms of outlook on life. Maybe that’s because my brain can’t process too heavy thoughts in its weakened state but I like to think it’s because the likes and followers make me happier. Your happiness is my happiness so lets help each other out.
Speak to you tomorrow.
Jake Pickford 