I’m sitting in the dentist waiting room and right in front of me is a bowl of apples.

Do dentists hate doctors so much they’re willing to believe they can harness the power of apples to keep them away. Or is it that apples have an acid content that will help speed up the erosion of your teeth and therefore increase the amount of visits people have to take to the dentist and in doing so, keep the dentist’s busy and making lots of money. I mean fuck me, dentists are so expensive aren’t they. I am here because I have a cavity – my first cavity! – and it’s starting to make the consumption of coffee a painful experience. Which in turn translates into my mornings starting with anger at alarm sounds, followed by the dicotamy of sleepiness all day or pain while I devour my caffeine. No one’s day should start with anger followed by pain. How are you meant to come back from that. It’s like if your alarm clock was just one giant fist patiently waiting above you while you sleep only to abruptly wake you up by delivering a well timed hook to the face at 8am. And then you’re expected to just go about your day as if that didn’t happen, smiling at strangers and not slapping the phone out of ever person you see attempting to multitask via texting and walking when they can clearly barely handle walking and breathing.

Anyway, I digress. I had half the workings of a root canal and crown performed upon my unimpressed face today so I’m currently sitting back at home with one of the strangest feelings I’ve ever had. If I ever wanted to get into a fight with a stranger I’d probably go and have some dental work done before hand to give myself the advantage of feeling absolutely nothing in my jaw. My upper lip feels like it’s divided into two sections. And when I smile I look like I’m mid stroke. But I’ll be completely honestly here, I am absolutely loving this feeling. It’s great. This has given me at least an hour’s worth of entertainment just sitting here like someone locked in an insane asylum. I’m just poking my own face and pulling weird expressions to see which gives the oddest response. So far I’m going with the “puff up my cheeks like a hamster” expression as the winner. I can’t do it so everytime I try one side expands while the other, the numb side, can’t seem to manage it so I just end up making a fake fart noise which I am immature enough to find hilarious.

I have to go back next week (my appointment is at 2:30 because I’m that dedicated to making my life a joke. 2:30. Tooth hurty. Yes, I did specifically ask for that time. I have absolutely no reason for it to be then other than my own breif amusement but that seems like reason enough in my opinion) and they are going to give me a crown. I believe I had a root canal today but I’m not sure. Its hard to pay attention when someone is about to use a tiny drill inside you. Plus I’d never seen an x-ray of my mouth before so I can kind of captivated by that.

Whats my point. I don’t know. I think my point was dentists are great fun. Don’t be scared of them. Life is scary enough. But do be scared of the ridiculous prices dentists charge.

My wonky smile is only temporary.

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