Tag: funny

Children.

People should need to pass a test to become parents. There would be questions like: Do you think your child will need a separate seat on the train? Are you planning on getting on a plane with this child in the next 10 years? Do you believe you shouldn’t give

Cats, eventually.

I sometimes worry about things. Like have I forgotten to do something, or am I doing enough for climate change, or If reincarnation were true but you kept your own consciousness, could I handle living as a duck. Probably not. I know very little of duck culture, I could never

Tips for comedians.

The following is a list of tips I have for performers of stand up comedy. I am in no way an expert on this however I have been getting up on stages for over 6 years and in that time I like to think I have amassed some knowledge of

Ps, no Qs

I don’t like them “They’re good for you” Well surely there are others that are good for me too. “Yeh but I’ve made these so you have to eat In fact, you better stay right there in your dining seat” But come on please, I really don’t like these When

Nonsense, inspiration and your mum. 

I haven’t written anything in a long time, and there’s probably been a multitude of reasons for that.  I’ve got a new job, before that I was on the cusp of homelessness and before that I was on the brink of suicide. What a bloody rollercoaster life is, only with

How to fix the world. 

War! Huh? What is it good for?  Well maybe, just maybe solving all the worlds problems.  “Jake that’s ridiculous” I hear you cry.  Well you’re right, it is ridiculous.  The only way war could potentially fix the world is if we were invaded by an alien species who decides the

Fuck Mornings. 

Seriously, they’re horrible.  And I think, I’m not a doctor but, they might actually be killing us all.  They have to be, why else would they feel this bad!   I’m currently riding the tube in London at 7am.  My alarm went off at 6:10am (and again at 6:12am because

We’re all stupid. 

Take a second to think back to the last stupid thing that you did.  Not a tragic regret, but one that you can laugh at.  Yes, it’s hard to admit but we are all stupid sometimes and if you don’t think you are, then unfortunately you’re slightly more stupid.  It’s

Procrastinating (Adam Sandler; We’re not mad, just disappointed) 

Procrastination will be the death of me.  I swear to God my gravestone shall be engraved with “I’m meant to be doing something else”.  I procrastinate so often that I procrastinate about procrastination.  For example, I’ll decide I want to watch a movie instead of doing something constructive (like applying

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